Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Monkey Bars

About a month ago, I took the plunge on something I'd never thought I'd do.

It's one of those situations I'm sure everybody has dealt with from time to time. Nobody is happy at their job all the time, and that resounding question of 'should I stay or should I go?' rings in your head. Most of the time we take the justified route though. Either we will ourselves to stay and suck up whatever negative aspect created those thoughts, or we line up another planned opportunity and move into that.

That's what I've always been taught. Stay and deal, or make arrangements for change.

Here is the thing. I'm 27 years old. I'm married to a wonderful, supportive husband and am now the mother of a curious toddler. I have a degree in Psychology. I've worked in retail and I've worked in human service. I make keychains and babywear.

Those are really lousy definitions. They don't really define who I am or what I am passionate about. They are simply facts. I do not want my life to be defined by facts. I want my life to be defined by values, goals, passions, dreams, desires.

So, back to what I thought I'd never do: I put in my notice at my job. Without a backup plan. My heart was pounding as I handed that letter to my manager stating that, on this date today, I would officially resign from my position.

I've been fortunate enough to find some opportunities to let me take a few months off. But I need this time to get back to my roots; get back to who I am at the core.

Don't get me wrong. I am BEYOND terrified. It's hard letting go and not having something else to grasp. When you're a kid, you learn on the monkey bars that if you reach out and don't have another bar to hold onto that you fall. And while the prospect of falling is usually seen as bad, it can also be seen as a growth opportunity. You fall, you get back up again. You reassess what you've done, what you've did, and what you will need to do to reach that next bar.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

The last 18+ months


It's been quite a long time since I've written a post. After graduation from college and my surgery, it was almost as if I needed to move away from the blog and figure out 'What next?'

Well, I can honestly say that the 'What next?' has been incredible. Let me fill you in.

The boyfriend proposed on December 11, 2011.

I graduated from my crutches a week before Christmas. I made a complete recovery from my hip surgery! Hooray!!

I finally moved out and got my own place.

We got married on June 9th, 2012.

(The Honeymoon was fantastic!)

I left my job in early 2013 to take a break from retail.

Then... this happened at the end of April 2013.
(We were both pretty shocked!)
We got to see our child for the first time at the end of May.

In the midst of figuring out how were going to raise a child without a job, I got a job. That is actually related to psychology! I started mid-June.
(I still love it!)

Me at 17 weeks pregnant! End of July.

And then...

Our little GIRL!!!!!!! She is due on January 9th, 2014.

So to sum it up, yes, a lot has happened since I last blogged. I had put everything aside for a while to see what was going to actually happen next. Since I still have a good chunk of my readers and I hit the 5000 view mark sometime between last night and this morning, I decided maybe I could 'force' myself to start up again.

I think it will be nice to be back.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Don't Let Them Create Their End...

I came across a doozy of a story this evening while I was surfing the web. I hadn't heard about it before; it's pretty new.

Ever hear of Ashley Billasano? She was a high school student in Texas. Very, very pretty girl in the few pictures associated with the story. Looking at her smiling face you would hardly believe that anything is wrong whatsoever.

Well, we will never see that smile in person again.

I never knew her. Never knew about the situation. Texas is quite far away from my own meager state. But what blows me away about the situation is that she sent 144 twitter messages to her 500+ followers in the six hours before her death. They all described her life; her abuse, her suffering, and her journey to those who abused her put away. Apparently nobody really thought anything serious of it, because she killed herself. Even after saying that her first attempt failed.

I can say I have been in her shoes. I have had similar abuse and a similar journey. I too have that 'pretty smile' and most people would never guess the type of past I've had to struggle with. Most people would classify me as happy-go-lucky, bubbly, and friendly. Only a handful of people know the real truth. I was broken, too; suicidal at one point. I know God was always close in those moments of deep despair, as for some reason I could never actually go forward with the end. Something inside kept me moving forward, allowing me to recognize the finality of death and the good things I would ultimately miss. The people I would hurt... even when it felt like everybody stood miles away.

Sexual abuse is a big deal. It takes a great deal of courage to get help; to call the police and get them involved. To track down the abuser and see if they can develop a case against them. I've been told not once, not twice, but three times in my life... from the age of 5 through 21... that they could not gather enough evidence to present a case against a jury. It was amazing how little they offered for me; resources to find counseling, support groups, absolutely nothing. I felt fortunate that something led me to go to therapy. I've had other rough difficulties in my life and I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to die. Through God, hard work, and a wonderful therapist I can fully say that part is behind me. I know things won't be perfect, but ultimately I will be ok.

It hurts to know Ashley didn't have that. That she hurt. That she cried out... and apparently nobody came to give her solace; a way to help her grieve properly and overcome her trials.

This is what I want to advocate against. I know sexual abuse runs rampant throughout the world. Many cases never even reach a judge and many abusers are allowed freedom to continue to hurt others. The sex offenders that continue to offend in our own communities are offered third, fourth, fifth chances... something I find absolutely disgusting and horrid. I'm all for allowing second chances and having the benefit of the doubt, but when I see news articles describing 'high-risk' offenders being placed back miles from my own residence... that scares me. Not just for me, but for people who may be hurt because of it. I know many people are too afraid to even discuss their abuse as they are afraid they will be punished or ignored...

I can't stand for that! I have to find a way to help people like Ashley. If justice cannot be given, then we need to find ways to reach out and help heal. Nobody deserves to feeling like nothing; like nobody cares. Nobody deserves death when they are hurt. Please... if you see somebody hurting... do something. Don't allow them to create their end.

1-800-273-8255 is a United States suicide hotline. If you know of anybody wanting to end their life because of abuse, this hotline can provide you significant information to help.

Friday, November 4, 2011

1 Week Post Op from Periacetabular Osteotomy

I don't know how some bloggers who have gone through this procedure actually can write anywhere near or on surgery date. I was so fried!!! Today is the first day that I can think to describe what actually happened. It's not perfect but I will try to give you my best recall of the last week:

October 28- Surgery Day!!: I was sooo nervous... since I had not eaten, my stomach was gurgling a lot and I had.... erm... lots of gas pre-surgery (my poor pre-op guest!). I got to admissions at 7am and into the pre-operation area relatively quickly. Got into my surgery garb and a nurse asked some basic questions prior to my exam. I also found out that I would get to take my iPod touch down into the waiting area before surgery. Two family members and my boyfriend accompanied me here. Probably around 9 or so they wheeled me down into pre-op waiting area where I chatted on my iPod touch with my boyfriend. I wasn't really watching the time too carefully but I think around 10 they sent me to get my epidural. Once they threw in the first sedative everything was fuzzy until I was out for good. I barely remember the epidural. I do remember them wheeling me to the operating room, but once they got a mask on me I WAS OUT COLD!!!

I remember waking up in the recovery area probably around 2:30 (I think they knocked me out around 11... the procedure didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would have. I asked for my iPod to talk to my boyfriend and they fed me ice chips. I was in a bit of pain as my initial pain meds from surgery were wearing off and I was a bit annoyed it took them so long to respond (I don't know if they had expected me to be awake so soon!). My throat hurt from the ventilator (ick ick ick >_<). I remember just chatting with my medical personal until they wheeled me up to my room. After that the rest of the evening was pretty much a blur. Not much excitement. I did manage to eat a little toast in the evening so my nurses were happy about that.

Saturday October 29 +1: I remember sleeping the evening before did not happen very successfully. Between all the machines and the nurses bugging me, I was annoyed and anxious. The pain was relatively well managed but I detested feeling as drugged as I did. I had some visitors throughout the day but mainly it was another blur for me. PT came in and did some simple exercises with me but I did not have the energy to get out of bed. Drain tube went out.

Sunday October 30: +2 This is the day that I remember not enjoying PT as much. They tried for 20 minutes to get me out of bed in the morning but I was still on my epidural and could not feel my good leg. Once they took it out after my morning session I regained feeling and managed to sit in a chair for a few minutes. I think this was the day I also learned I hate the smell of baby powder. I magically grew out of my aversion for bed pans too! Catheter went out and an IV blew out in the early morning.

Monday October 31 +3: This was probably one of my tougher days. I did manage to get a shower and man, that was exhausting!! They took out my remaining IVs, tubes, and removed the staples from my wound. Round one PT they tried to get me to walk and use crutches instead of the walker, but my nerve pain was horrid and I'm praying I never meet any of those people from that therapy group AGAIN. I feel so bad about the things I said to them >_> I rarely rage like that (in fact, I don't think I ever rage like that....). Had some visitors and told I would go home the next day most likely. Round two PT was much more successful but only on the walker.

Tuesday November 1 +4: HOME DAY!!!! My only PT session was successful and I was honestly wondering where I magically learned to use the crutches and move farther overnight... it was a completely different feeling from the other day. I made it out of the room and up/down a small set of stairs. I got discharged in the late afternoon and made it home. Crawled into bed. My sweet boyfriend got Noodles and that was the first thing I desired to eat in days!!

Wednesday and Thursday weren't super exciting, but today (+7, Friday November 4) I managed to play a little World of Warcraft sitting up, got showered and cleaned almost by myself (I'd say 80% was my own effort), ate lunch and breakfast, and mastered sleeping more on my side. My leg has felt a smidge clunky today which feels awkward, but not bad.

So yeah, :) that's the update!!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Getting close

Hello to everybody alive out there!!!

Do apologize for my quietness... I intended to write more, but between finishing up my psychology degree and actually processing how the next few months are going to pan out... I've been stressed. I've started to have a lot of dreams about surgery, about my future, about what the heck is going to happen in the last year. I really have been keeping most of my thoughts in my head, but I figure since my surgery date is getting closer, I should be a little better with updating for the next few weeks.

I've started to check out some Social Work programs for my graduate degree. I'm going to visit some schools next Thursday and Saturday; already visited one a little over a week ago. I'm glad to get away for a few days before surgery. Also get to see Evanescence with the boyfriend :) wee, very excited about that!

I've been continuing to develop my relationship with God. Right now I'm learning to build confidence in my faith. My pastor said something to the extent in his sermon about how God fearfully and wonderfully made us for who we are. I should not doubt my abilities or my personality traits; God can use me in any way possible. So, I have to keep my confidence up, especially with the upcoming surgery.

I have also been learning about the book of Job. I find it interesting that his character is what God found favor in, yet I don't really see the definition of integrity as an important trait for Christians to have these days. I mean, Job feared God, he prayed for others, had integrity, and loved his family and friends. I definitely think I could take some lessons from him!! I'll have to write more about that in the next few days so I can collect my thoughts a little better.

Hope you all are doing well, and thanks for the comments. I really do appreciate them :).

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

October 28th

October 28th is my surgery date!

To be honest, I'm really not that frustrated; yes, it is 6 weeks out, but considering there are only 7 days in that time where the surgeon performs this particular surgery (on Fridays), I will have to say it could be MUCH worse. On October 26 I will undergo a lot of pre-op appointments to prepare for the surgery and learning everything I need to know for my hospital stay and probably some afterward. 

In the mean time, I'm chilling out. I got a cortisone shot last week to help with the pain. It has been touch and go, but overall I am having more significant pain relief. I also got a pathology report yesterday saying that my current meds are safe for any pre-op or post-op medications to help alleviate the pain.

I apologize I did not post sooner. I've just been aggravated about the surgery and really don't want to think about it. I'm so scared and want it to go smoothly. I've been praying for patience and calm, cause I know panic will be relatively useless. Also have been crazy busy with school! TWO CLASSES LEFT!! I'm waiting to hear if I can my appeal approved to start my last class early, so I don't have to deal with it in the middle of surgery. I really don't want to do a capstone in the middle of surgery/pain/hospitalization. I'm sure my writings would sound DRUGGED!!!!!

I'll try to update with something more fun tomorrow :).... like about getting my first information packet from a graduate program and a letter from my Compassion child!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Today is the Day

Today is the day
The Lord has made;
Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Pslam 118:24

Well, I'm at September 6; the BIG day... to find out when my surgery is, I hope. I have been waiting for two and a half months in pain, out of work for almost two, and stuck at home for the better part of the summer. As difficult as this particular journey has been, I know God won't let this opportunity go to waste and I have to do what I can in the mean time. My friend reminded me that no matter what, God won't abandon me and is with me.

If you can pray, pray that they can get the process moving along quickly. I feel like I've missed out on too much of my life and want to get back into it happy and willing to live my life. Pray that the pain is minimal, and pray that my anxiety will be manageable.

45 minutes to go....