Thursday, December 9, 2010

Building Back Up

Weak. Frustrated. Useless.

I think about the limits the last few years have put on my body and mind. I feel difficulty doing the things I'm doing now; my plate is more full than it's been since probably high school. I'm doubling up on my classes, I am working a heavy amount of hours at my job (for part-time), I am busy with church activities, and then being a 22 year old on top of it all. Figuring out the details in my life: What defines me? What am I good at? What do I want to do? Who do I want to marry? When do I want to start a family? It's the holiday season; more activities are popping up than usual.

I'm definitely reaching my limits. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping very well. I start to snap easily, and I'm pretty difficult to snap. I feel like I'm failing.

It's my very first test since I've gained footing again.

I have to stop and realize I couldn't do this one year ago. I couldn't do it two or even three years ago. I would have broken down, slept, made poor decisions, or hurt myself. A few years ago it was worse. But it slowly got better, especially with therapy.

And it hits me that it's done. As of next week, I'm done with therapy. It's been a long road, honestly, a road I never thought I'd see the light at the end on. It was dark and bumpy, then mountainous, then light, then dark, and then began to smooth out. As the road became more smooth, there was more light.

It is easy to get caught up in the feelings of the moment and to compare myself to those who didn't have those struggles. Heck, I know a guy in grad school and works two full time jobs (I never did compare myself to him, however!). They kept going and didn't have major problems weigh them down.

In the mean time, I just have to work my way back up to that point. I'm not by far a failure for not being able to be at the level I want to be. Through God, he has helped me get through this rough patch, and now I am more experienced because of it. In the mean time, I am going to use what I've learned the last few years to help others.