Saturday, July 10, 2010

On Growing Up

Sometimes, life is just hard.

Sometimes, you just have to deal with it and move on.

It’s not always dealing with life that comes easy, however. Often it takes training and praying and working to make life worthwhile. I have been in therapy for over a year and a half; sorting through my past, learning how to make better decisions, finding better influences, and working through the depression are all things I’ve had to learn over the course of being with my therapist.

While I feel so proud and strong that I have finally graduated to once a month therapy (in my mind, I hear WOOOHOOO I NEVER THOUGHT I’D MAKE IT TO THIS POINT!!!), I feel really anxious about it too. All the changes that will be starting to take place, well, now I have to learn how to deal with them… on my own. Right now, medications help guide and clear my unhealthy thoughts, but within the next year those will likely be taken away as well.

It’s just me.

Only me.

Nobody else can fix my problems, nobody else can run my life, and nobody else can make my decisions.

It’s hard to believe where I stood not even two years ago: helpless, craving love and attention, seeing the world in black and white, harming my body, worrying my friends and family, shunning happiness, wishing for death.

And where I am now: loved, talented, happy-go-lucky, fortunate, blessed, wholesome, open to the world, street smart, intelligent, playful.

There are still areas I need to improve on: responsibility, financial security, hard-worker, focused.

This whole journey, as my therapist has pointed out, is basically growing up. I just got a late start due to family problems, my past, and other negative things. When I turned 18, I didn’t understand what my peers were going through. They were anxious because they realized they had to grow up and start doing things on their own. I was still acting like a child and making childish decisions.

While I feel better, and the depression is gone, the emptiness still consumes me sometimes. Worrying about the future keeps me busy, trying to plan grad school, realizing that I will eventually start a family, my career. Sometimes I just want to go back to that child I was and let other people control me, just so I don’t have to do it.

Growing up sucks.

Well, at least at this portion. I know if I keep my head up straight, make good and healthy decisions, and don’t let depression and anxiety consume me, the rewards will be great. Nobody feels wonderful all the time, and it’s normal to feel unsure at times. I might feel scared, but it’s not the end of the world. PEOPLE GROW UP ALL THE TIME!!! And they live!

It’s really nice to truly believe that I’m gonna be ok. And so can anybody else, if they put the right kind of time and effort to make sure they can get through the rough times to. Cause the rough times always happen. For better, for worse, it’s always best to be prepared.

On the plus side, what I’ve had to go through for life and therapy will be great material to work with as a therapist!

Oh as a quick side note, what do you think of the video blog? Are there any topics you’d like me to cover on one? I think I’m going to actually write a script and talk about some sort of topic for my next one!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

My Live Video Podcast Channel

I Really Am Bad At This

Hi all!

Sometimes, I feel a lot of difficulty because I don't appear to have the ability to keep up with a hobby for more than a few weeks before I feel like I'm flitting back to another one. Not that I really have one right now that's taking over my life (though I have been making some jewelry in the last few weeks, and that's been fun!), but I am not exactly the most focused person in the world. It also doesn't help that I find nearly every hobby and interest fascinating in some way. I suppose I can't get down on myself too much, because I still am writing, but I suppose that is my slight vent for the post.

I suppose I'm not terribly sure what to write about. I'm on my laptop, so I don't have my lovely list of blog topics readily available! However, one is a bit on my heart today. My boyfriend has a wondering sister who just visited from her state this last week. You actually can check out her blog right here (I got her started with one!). She lives fairly far away, but we met one of the first times I hung out with my boyfriend and we became friends over Facebook. While I have become close with all the members of his family, she has become especially close. We are able to talk about anything and everything together. We help each other with problems, school, and other things that fill our life.

Yes, the distance sucks. I spent at least a part of most of the days she was visiting here. Obviously we were just as close as we were online. We made each other laugh, we talked about life, and we got to share a few hugs. We joke a lot too, because we share the same name. I know it sounds really lame, but when the girlfriend and the sister/daughter of the family share the same name, it can get REALLY confusing. ESPECIALLY when 98% of the time, I'm the only one in the household regularly now who is called by that. Last night at Dairy Queen, we were talking to my boyfriend on the phone (through walkie-talkies; you will be getting a post on my new phone once I have a little more time to play and get adjusted to it!). She was informing him that we were hanging out together, and she said 'Oh, and this is ---!!!' I took a look at her and we cracked up realizing that my boyfriend could have thought it was either one of us. 

The main point of this post, I suppose, is to not let distance separate you from being close to the ones you hold dear. We have so many forms of technology that we can take advantage of! We have email and cellphones at the most basic. Facebook, instant messaging, and Skype are a little more intricate, but they are just more ways we can keep in touch. If you don't have technology, write a letter or send a care package (yes, snail mail still exists!). I have become closer to her primarily through technology, and it hasn't negatively affected our friendship in any way.

When I went off to college, I lost touch with many of my high school friends. I sometimes kick myself to this day because I did not go out of my way to keep in touch with them. I let distance become my excuse. It's difficult now to make up for that. My best friend from high school just got married last weekend. I love her like crazy, but it's difficult because I feel like I lost her. I could have done a better job of keeping up to date with her, but I didn't. It's really not hard to call somebody or send a message!

Anyways, to my friend, I hope you had a safe trip back and I look forward to our next visit... whenever it happens!

And my fellow bloggers/readers, I have a special treat! Because of my new phone... I CAN DO VIDEO PODCASTS!!!! So enjoy them as I start doing them more :).