Blah blah blah filler post :D

Where oh where have I been?


I continue to be given trial after trial.

Sometimes it's a pleasant feeling, knowing that God believes I'm strong enough to overcome these challenges to live out His purpose for me. Every year I've been able to list off the issues and problems I have overcome. Some have been easier than others, that's for sure!

This year, my health has been my biggest problem. I will not complain, for I read far too many blogs about young children with cancer, adults with horrid diseases that you can't even imagine... they continue to fight and persevere. They are my inspiration to keep going through a period of some bad health. Since January, I have been out of work for a month combined. I damaged my wrist in a bizarre work injury (I hit my wrist on a clothing rack- sooo dangerous!) and was in unbearable pain for a few weeks. Recently, I developed pneumonia. I struggle with making my illnesses a bigger deal than they really are, so I didn't say much about a cold that popped up. Thankfully, when I started getting a fever a week later, my boyfriend encouraged me to get checked out. Turns out I have pneumonia, and another week later... I still feel very weak. But I will keep on!

Enough with that!

On a lighter note, I am definitely becoming more confident and steady. I like where I am, even though sometimes I'm unsure the outcomes that await. I'm applying for graduate school soon! Holy cow; when did I become an adult?!?! I am almost 23, and yet I still feel (for some bizarre reason), like I'm in HIGH SCHOOL. I still live with my dad, who spoils me rotten (which I do appreciate, but find cutting those ties to be extremely difficult).

My classes have been a lot of fun, especially now that I'm in my last year of my undergrad. I finally graduated from the classes that pretty much taught me all the basics. Now, I'm learning to apply everything I've learned into my own thoughts and ideas. The ideas and principles are advanced, and there is a lot of direction there as well. It is amazing! I'm definitely thinking Child and Family currently... but things change! I can never quite seem to make up my mind... but that's how life goes!

Um... bye for now :D.

American Idol!!!!

Yes- absolutely lovely 'getting back into blogging' random post time!


I am so glad American Idol is down to the final 12 (though it started at 13). Unlike most people, I honestly don't enjoy the preliminary rounds nearly as much. It's wonderful to find the background stories and listen to so many talented singers, but I find it's incredibly hurtful for those who are auditioning (and are maybe not as talented) to be exploited that way. I honestly wonder if they choose to have their song performed if they know they are bad, just so they can get the publicity (or maybe it's in the contract, that everybody has the possibility of being on TV).

I didn't get to catch the show last week, cause the lovely world of retail tends to steal many an evening of mine... but this week I had the honor of being sick with pneumonia so I got to finally see what the show is working with this year.

I have to admit, I'm very impressed! Maybe it's cause Simon is finally out that we have a wider range of the types of talent this season has to offer. I'm not super fond of all the voices, but that does appear to relate to preferences. For the most part, the contestants seem to know what they are doing and are rocking it.

Right now my favorites are Scotty and Pia! I will have to keep watching to see what else develops in the weeks to come. Scotty is my favorite because a) he has a deep bass country voice (SEXY!!!!!!!!) and b) he sings Josh Turner (see part a). It's really refreshing to see that true country drawl that just melts me instantly (though I'd rather take my boyfriend's sweet voice any day!!!). I'm not fond of Pia's name (does it stand for something? I'm too lazy to check), but her voice is strong and mature.

I loved Thia's voice too, but I don't feel like she did justice to Colors of the Wind. She can do so much more with her voice, I can tell! AND SHE'S ONLY FIFTEEN!!!

I'm seriously gonna try out for the show next year. My voice lessons have been going very well, and between that and singing in my church worship band, I feel like I have direction and focus. I know I can get up on stage and not let my jitters overcome me.

Life on the home front is ok. Today is my 11 month anniversary with my boyfriend! I'm at home with pneumonia, and today was the first day I actually felt good enough to sit for most of the day. The last couple days I was so run down that getting out of bed was a chore... and yesterday was my only real rest day (so ya... Saturday-Monday pretty much was horrid). Day 3 of antibiotics are finally helping me feel strong, but moving for more than 20 minutes knocks me out. No appetite too, but I'm hoping this will be the kick start of my weight loss.

Toodles!

Building Back Up

Weak. Frustrated. Useless.


I think about the limits the last few years have put on my body and mind. I feel difficulty doing the things I'm doing now; my plate is more full than it's been since probably high school. I'm doubling up on my classes, I am working a heavy amount of hours at my job (for part-time), I am busy with church activities, and then being a 22 year old on top of it all. Figuring out the details in my life: What defines me? What am I good at? What do I want to do? Who do I want to marry? When do I want to start a family? It's the holiday season; more activities are popping up than usual.

I'm definitely reaching my limits. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping very well. I start to snap easily, and I'm pretty difficult to snap. I feel like I'm failing.

It's my very first test since I've gained footing again.

I have to stop and realize I couldn't do this one year ago. I couldn't do it two or even three years ago. I would have broken down, slept, made poor decisions, or hurt myself. A few years ago it was worse. But it slowly got better, especially with therapy.

And it hits me that it's done. As of next week, I'm done with therapy. It's been a long road, honestly, a road I never thought I'd see the light at the end on. It was dark and bumpy, then mountainous, then light, then dark, and then began to smooth out. As the road became more smooth, there was more light.

It is easy to get caught up in the feelings of the moment and to compare myself to those who didn't have those struggles. Heck, I know a guy in grad school and works two full time jobs (I never did compare myself to him, however!). They kept going and didn't have major problems weigh them down.

In the mean time, I just have to work my way back up to that point. I'm not by far a failure for not being able to be at the level I want to be. Through God, he has helped me get through this rough patch, and now I am more experienced because of it. In the mean time, I am going to use what I've learned the last few years to help others.

Minne-SNOW-ta

I reside in the great ol' land of MinneSNOWta... one of the most pleasant states in the country to vacation (except... minus the Twin Cities/Duluth/Boundary Waters... not so much!). I had the pleasure to spend the last three days in my nice warm house, under my nice warm covers, while my nice warm body (well, actually that part wasn't so nice) kept me shivering for multiple days. With my mystery illness in its last legs, I finally decided today would be an excellent day to get my butt out of my bedroom and start moving around.


So I hop online for a bit and start working on a paper (that wasn't due yesterday... nope!), chat with the dear boyfriend for a bit, and start figuring out my day. I knew that day I'd have to make the drive (I'm cat-sitting for my friend/voice teacher for the holidays) across town to feed and brush the cat. Read about the upcoming ice fiasco that's supposed to start tomorrow, got lectured by dad to be careful going to my appointment in icy conditions, sip coffee and munch on cereal. I finally finish my paper around 4:30pm, so I figure it's a great time to trek on out to the other side of town in my lovely Pilot.

I grab my Minnetonka Moccasins, my Aeropostle sweatshirt, and a pair of ratty jeans. I see the garbage was taken out today, so I figure I will grab the mail and the garbage/recycle cans before I hop in the car.

HOLY FLIPPING COLD!!!!

Somebody forgot to mention to me that it was barely only the in the mid 20s today. I quickly grab my Ugg boots, a coat, gloves, and a hat before I leave the house. Felt much better soon after.

It is amazing how quickly winter seems to come in Minnesota. It seems like it was only a month ago that we were enjoying highs in the 50s and 60s; in fact, we had an unusually warm March-Oct of 2010. The first day it was in the 40s last month, I knew I was in trouble! I decided to keep a coat in the car (just in case, ya know) and tough it out in mainly a sweatshirt to adjust a bit better. But in the three days I was confined indoors, it seems the atmosphere has changed a lot.

It's sad that we don't even enjoy a full 12 hours of sun, it's sad that it's going to get much colder before it gets warmer, it's sad that soon there will be ice and snow everywhere for extended periods of time, it's sad it will take 10 minutes for my car to run before I feel even an ounce of warmth driving home...

I cannot even begin to fathom why people enjoy living up north (to those of you in Canada or Alaska- kudos to you!). I joke with my friends the Minnesota seasons are: Winter, Winter, STILL Winter, and Road Construction. When it's not snowing and freezing cold, we have tornadoes, floods, wildfires, droughts, and nasty wind. During the winter the ditches are plagued with cars and drivers wondering 'wtf just happened, mate?'. Nobody wants to spend more than 10 seconds outdoors unless doing something fun or useful.

But then, I suppose most of us complain about our locations. I know friends down south who would love some snow and cold. I know friends up north who think we have it easy. And in the end, I still live here nonetheless. So I decided to come up with a list of why I love Minnesota.

In the winter- snuggles with hot chocolate (and marshmellows) by the campfire, skiing, throwing snowballs at your friends, watching people fall on their butts in the ice and laughing, ice skating, the enjoyment of driving to a destination without dying, the first snowfall, the way the Christmas lights sparkle in the glow of the freshly fallen snow

In the spring: Watching all the buds on the trees turn to full blown leaves, the sheer smell of spring, the final snow melting away as messy wetness, lilacs, watching everything turn to green almost instantly, the days growing longer, the first 60 degree day, the first over 32 degree night

In the summer: watching the peace settle over the sunset, the unpredictable weather, the beautiful storms, driving down the road with the windows down and the breeze to cool you, ice creams at the outdoor Dairy Queen, swatting the mosquitoes before they bite the living crap out of you, biking down the trails, playing outside with bare feet, flip flop tans, getting to wear shorts

In the fall: the brilliance of the reds in the changing trees, lingering last walks in the evening before it turns too cold, the first snowdrops flittering from the sky, the crisp color of blue on a sunny day, stomping through the leaves on the sidewalk

Hard to believe that I love you, Minnesota.

Strained Relationships (with flu on the side)

My last post is about being sick... and a few days later, I'm sick again! Aren't I just so lucky! I went to bed yesterday with a sore throat, and 24 hours later I have a fever, bad headache, chills... apparently I can't seem to catch a break. I'm hoping some more rest will do me well. I apologize if any of what I say sounds feverishly delirious, for I know not what I'm saying.


I am part of another really awesome forum about Myers Briggs (which I still have to do a post about) called Personality Cafe. I wrote a long rant/question/frustration about how my dad and I fight constantly and posted it. My dad and I are polar opposites when it comes to personality. Here is an example of what I wrote:

"... The housework issue is just god awful. I've gotten better about keeping most of the house clean, but with my bedroom/bathroom I really don't care. It is nothing against him whatsoever, but for me to clean is just not my nature. I don't think about putting something away after I've used it. I toss my clothes on the floor. My junk litters the bathroom counter. Keep in mind, we do not share a bathroom. So, unpredictable him says nothing half the time, and the other half he has these temper tantrums. He screams at me and orders to listen to his barking. He says if I don't clean or do xyz, he'll throw away my stuff. If I go into my room and lock my door, he screams loud and threatens me. He thinks everything I do (or don't do) is to piss him off. He thinks I don't clean my room to purposely piss him off. I just don't think about it!

I also feels like he values his 'stuff' more than me. If I break something or something gets messed up in the house and I can't provide a logical explanation of how it exactly happened, I get yelled at. For example, the sprayer on the sink got stuck one morning while I was making coffee. While trying to unstick it, it popped off. No big deal. I immediately called him and let him know so he wouldn't come home to a broken sink. He says it's fine. That night, he gets on my case about how it 'really' broke. He said he was sick of my friends messing around with his shit and breaking everything. Um, I was the one who caused it to pop off. I am not aware of doing anything unusual to the sprayer..."

Pardon the language, I was really frustrated when I posted part of this message. I know not all of you agree with your parents, in fact, I'm sure some of you have strained relationships with them. When they have too high of expectations, or try to control you, how do you handle it?

My experiment, in the mean time, is to read the books Safe People and Codependent No More (was suggested to me by another member, luckily I already had both of those books). Once I'm better, I will do a review on the books and tell you how reading them affected my relationship with my dad.

If you want to read the whole post, check it out right here!!!!

My darn luck!

So, I thought you'd get a laugh out of something... weird, amusing, funny... that happened today.


I finished my blog post this morning after hopping out of the shower. I was actually feeling fairly productive, for I woke up at 9am and had to be at work by 11. A shower, breakfast, and a blog post in an hour and 45 minutes [15 minute drive to work].

So, today was day 3 in the jewelry section. I've been at my store now for about three months. I normally work in juniors/special sizes but they asked me to take a holiday position in the fine jewelry area. So I started a week ago from Sunday. It was actually very interesting learning about the different types of metals and stones... and fascinating to see how people can pay more than $2500 for a tiny piece of jewelry.

[If I had $2500, this is what I would rather spend it on: rent to move out of the house, a new laptop, savings for a car, savings for my road trip next April]

I had five days off between my next shift, which honestly felt like pure torture. On the plus side, it helped me get back to writing on here! I went in for shift number 2 on Saturday, this time with more people to help guide me. After a few hours, I noticed I was getting some splotchy, itchy red spots on my fingers and hands. They were uncomfortable and felt a bit raw, but I thought nothing of it.

So, I had a few days to forget about the incident when I go in this morning for shift number 3. After about 15 minutes I began to break out again. One of the ladies who saw me break out Saturday got concerned, so I decided to test the allergy. I took an earring and held it to my left wrist. Within about 60 seconds I broke out again.

It didn't take long before things just got worse. I immediately started feeling bad, extremely dizzy, nauseous, cold, shaky... my coworker called a manager. She got to me immediately and said we had to go to HR to fill an incident report. Now, my store is two levels. We went on the escalator and about halfway up I immediately get very dizzy and nauseous. I nearly pass out! I actually had to sit down for a bit before I could finish getting to the office.

We file the report, I have to call the Macy's nurseline, and the manager's determine that I cannot work in fine jewelry. So, I will find out tomorrow where I will end up for the holidays.

I was hoping I could keep working, but I was feeling pretty nasty after lying down in the employee lounge couch for an hour. I decided to go home.

I've been feeling on and off bad for the remainder of the day. I've seen my temp get as high as about 100, but mostly hovering in the high 98's. I'm wondering if I've got a bug on top of the reaction, or if this is reaction related. Anybody have any ideas? Mainly it's just a headache and stomachache.

So I finished school and now I'm just chilling. Lots to figure out in the next few weeks!

Have a terrific night!

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

I will warn you, I may not be writing as much over the next month or so. Retail is absolutely insane during the holidays. I also doubled up on my classes, so I have twice as much schoolwork (on average, I do one paper or project a week- sometimes more!). So I plan on writing, but maybe not as frequently as I'd prefer. Break starts December 20. I look forward to having two weeks off (with my school schedule, the only break they offer is two weeks in Christmas. Otherwise I'm going all year unless I request a week off). Pray with me that I can get a good schedule going and that I don't feel too overwhelmed.


I have to admit, I'm pretty pleased with the reactions to my last post. I have learned that if you don't judge others, they tend not to judge you.

Jesus says you should love your enemies, but unfortunately you still aren't going to like everybody that comes your way. Some people are overbearing, talk incessantly about topics that bore you to death, they stalk you, etc... God has presented me with an interesting challenge. The last few months I have been settling in a nice comfort zone, but God often wants you to get out of your comfort zone and do things for Him.

Last night, the challenge arose.

I mentioned I am part of a recovery group Monday nights (I also do bible studies that night as well). I get there at 4:30pm to do a practice for worship band, then 5pm is my study. 6pm we have a group dinner, and 7pm we have a large group where the worship band performs. I came down with a nasty headache last night right before supper. I assume it came from the little amounts of sleep from the nights before, and sleeping funny also put a lot of extra tension on my neck. Practice had gone well, but when I get my headaches one of the problems I face when singing is that all the instrumentals/vocals around me get separated and I don't perform as well. I got up on stage and I already felt a little stressed because of this.

Right as we started the first song, I looked out into the audience. And I saw him.

I have known him for many years. In fact, I was probably about five or six when I met him. It was in a kid's group at my aunt's church. There were a variety of kids in the group and he was in it. He is a few years older than me. I remember not liking him very much, for I thought he was a bit abrasive. He was nice enough, it wasn't like he was pushing me around or barking orders at me, but I just didn't know how to handle him. It wasn't too long before I was in foster care and that church became history.

God definitely seems to have a plan. He popped up in my life again the summer before ninth grade. My parents placed me in a summer volunteer group called Summer of Service (better known in my area as SOS). The kids in group varied from six grade through tenth, and every weekday for two weeks we went out in the community and did volunteer work. He was in my group. I remember he was very annoying. He was in tenth grade and he had a crush on one of the seventh grade girls. He would pester her incessantly and the rest of the group (including me) took a severe disliking to his antics. He would take popular songs on the radio and make up these really bizarre lyrics (to the point where it actually ruined a number of songs I had really liked). He was also very overweight, so he got picked on a lot by some of the boys. Once again, the two weeks came and went, and he was out of my life.

His name popped up every now and then in conversation, for he knew my birth family in the area and apparently would mention me to them. Said family would repeat messages for me. This didn't happen very often, but I just ignored them. I really didn't care.

Ok, I have to cut out of the story for a bit of a precursor. I decided about a month ago I really would like to be a leader in the recovery group. A lot of my recovery took place outside of the group so I am catching up on a lot of the principles. I figure this is a good idea because of two reasons: One, if I struggle again, I have additional principles to work with. Two, that way I am familiarized enough with the program so I can be an efficient leader. A lot of the people who attend the support group have chemical dependency, an issue I never really faced. If I become a leader, I intend to help those with codependency, depression, and anxiety. If I am to be a leader, I have to get to know everybody and treat everybody in the group with love and respect.

Cue back to story. A few days ago, I noticed his name on one of my friend's Facebook page (one from recovery group, actually). I glanced at his page, and then went on.

There had to be a reason for that, apparently...

So here I am, on stage with a nasty headache. Anxious because I know my performance will suck. And I see him. I am TOTALLY not prepared for that. When I get headaches, sometimes I do not act as rationally as I would prefer too. I pretty much avoided his gaze (he was looking right at me) and just tried to perform decently. After the first set, I ran back into the sound booth where my boyfriend was. I told him my headache was too bad so I decided to go back to his house and rest for a bit. I told him briefly I ran into somebody I wasn't fond with and that it upset me, but I didn't go into details.

This whole issue is on my mind now. I want to be a good leader, and I realize that as a leader I have to put my frustrations with others aside. I need to promote love and support to everybody, no matter what I do. I can't 'ignore' him or 'avoid' him like I would prefer to do. I have been praying about it.

I can't guarantee he will be back again, as I said, this is the first time I've ever seen him at group. He may have just come to see what the group is. He may never show up again. The thing is, I really need to sit down and think about how I can be a good leader. I can't let prejudice get in my way. I hope to find some bible verses to help me overcome this hurdle.

So, I need some advice. What do I do? [yes, that is a heavy question]. I really don't know. I have a high annoyance tolerance [for Pete's sake, I can be outrageously annoying too. But I try to control it and be serious most of the time]. But when somebody gets under my skin, it really gets to me. How can I get out of my comfort zone and handle anybody like this in a good manner?

Curly-Haired Confession #4- You aren't going to like everybody you meet. However, you should still be considerate and respectful. If they talk to you, listen and offer support. If they do something that interferes with your value system, you need to inform them nicely and do not get involved. Annoyance and harassment are two different issues. If they just annoy you, find a way to deal with it.

Have a nice Tuesday, everybody! :)

Oh and a shout out to the bf: Happy seven month anniversary! I love you lots!!!!