On Growing Up

Sometimes, life is just hard.

Sometimes, you just have to deal with it and move on.

It’s not always dealing with life that comes easy, however. Often it takes training and praying and working to make life worthwhile. I have been in therapy for over a year and a half; sorting through my past, learning how to make better decisions, finding better influences, and working through the depression are all things I’ve had to learn over the course of being with my therapist.

While I feel so proud and strong that I have finally graduated to once a month therapy (in my mind, I hear WOOOHOOO I NEVER THOUGHT I’D MAKE IT TO THIS POINT!!!), I feel really anxious about it too. All the changes that will be starting to take place, well, now I have to learn how to deal with them… on my own. Right now, medications help guide and clear my unhealthy thoughts, but within the next year those will likely be taken away as well.

It’s just me.

Only me.

Nobody else can fix my problems, nobody else can run my life, and nobody else can make my decisions.

It’s hard to believe where I stood not even two years ago: helpless, craving love and attention, seeing the world in black and white, harming my body, worrying my friends and family, shunning happiness, wishing for death.

And where I am now: loved, talented, happy-go-lucky, fortunate, blessed, wholesome, open to the world, street smart, intelligent, playful.

There are still areas I need to improve on: responsibility, financial security, hard-worker, focused.

This whole journey, as my therapist has pointed out, is basically growing up. I just got a late start due to family problems, my past, and other negative things. When I turned 18, I didn’t understand what my peers were going through. They were anxious because they realized they had to grow up and start doing things on their own. I was still acting like a child and making childish decisions.

While I feel better, and the depression is gone, the emptiness still consumes me sometimes. Worrying about the future keeps me busy, trying to plan grad school, realizing that I will eventually start a family, my career. Sometimes I just want to go back to that child I was and let other people control me, just so I don’t have to do it.

Growing up sucks.

Well, at least at this portion. I know if I keep my head up straight, make good and healthy decisions, and don’t let depression and anxiety consume me, the rewards will be great. Nobody feels wonderful all the time, and it’s normal to feel unsure at times. I might feel scared, but it’s not the end of the world. PEOPLE GROW UP ALL THE TIME!!! And they live!

It’s really nice to truly believe that I’m gonna be ok. And so can anybody else, if they put the right kind of time and effort to make sure they can get through the rough times to. Cause the rough times always happen. For better, for worse, it’s always best to be prepared.

On the plus side, what I’ve had to go through for life and therapy will be great material to work with as a therapist!

Oh as a quick side note, what do you think of the video blog? Are there any topics you’d like me to cover on one? I think I’m going to actually write a script and talk about some sort of topic for my next one!