Bye bye, I'll catch ya later, anxiety!

I figured I’d get that last post up so you all didn’t think I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. I kid you not I am so looking forward to Wednesday night through Friday night being OFF from work, and not having a whole lot of school on those days on top of it. I should hopefully get caught up with everybody’s blogs that I’ve been following (and yes, at my last count there were about 30+) and feel good about it!

In the mean time, I just have to write about something. And no, school papers do not count! My last paper was about the central nervous system and the role of nerves and transmitters. This paper I’m working on for the Monday night due date (no, I don’t put things off, nope not me!) is on human sexuality. Oh boy. That should be an engaging paper! I just need to write about something important to me, which compels me to share with you all (of course!).

Just so you know my current class is called Biological Psychology. In the class we examine the different parts of the body (primarily the brain) and learn how they play a role in human behavior. It’s an absolutely fascinating course, however the book is contains too much scientific-speak to understand easily from just reading without lectures to guide on. I’m getting by, and the professor is the most difficult I’ve had to deal with in any of my classes at the University of Phoenix. She definitely keeps me on my toes, which is excellent because I always enjoy a teacher that keeps my wheels turning! Just for a bit of information, I just started at the University of Phoenix last August. I am currently enrolled in my eighth course and for the most part, am getting pretty good grades. Looking forward to my next class that starts on June 22, CREATIVE WRITING!!!!

It’s so crazy that I am doing school so well now. I feel extremely fortunate to be at a position in life where I am positively adjusting to my work, school, and social life. Not even 18 months ago could I claim to be half as effective as I am at the current time. I was pretty much failing school at that time.

Most of my life I have been suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I could not multitask in fear of falling apart, I was a chronic worrywart, and I could not go out in public without fear that every single person who observed me was attacking me in some way, shape, or form. Up until my high school graduation, a lot of my anxiety was repressed. Towards the end of high school I started making a lot of mistakes that negatively impacted my life and my anxiety began to surface. I think it all started about the time I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years and found out I was rejected to the college I had poured years of time and effort into getting into. The more careless I became about my life, the more anxiety crept in through the ever-widening cracks. For the most part, the anxiety controlled every aspect of my life and lead to severe depression.

My carelessness prevented me from thinking through the anxiety when it hit. When I felt nervous in public, I would automatically shut down. When a teacher stressed me out in class, I would break down in class with my classmates observing my every shriek and cry. When I felt a boyfriend was not giving me enough attention, I would do something stupid to make them run back to me and pay attention. The list goes on. I am not proud of these things that I did.

I feel fortunate that even though I was careless, I never felt like I was a failure and that my issues could not be fixed. I wanted, no, NEEDED help. I went through therapy off and on trying to desperately find the solutions to cure the anxiety. I was beyond function. I was sleeping 16+ hours a day, I could not perform well at work, and I couldn’t do any schoolwork so I flunked out of college. I don’t know how those with depression and anxiety just want to stay like that and make no change whatsoever. It’s not that I didn’t want to make the change, I didn’t know how.

So I started some therapy. My first two therapists were nice, but I never really felt much of a connection with them. However, one past therapist stuck out in my mind, and I expressed interest for that therapist to give me counseling (I had met the therapist in family therapy about 14 months prior). He videotaped the first ten sessions. He gave me challenges and things to consider regarding my anxiety. The main message behind every talk was ‘Don’t just react. Think about how you feel, get to the root issue of the problem, and reassess your behavior.’ He never gave me that broad of a message, but as his lessons started sinking it that was the core of all he taught me.

Figuring out what I was really feeling didn’t cure the anxiety, however, when I was able to rationally express my fears and concerns my therapist was able to give me guidance to work through my issues. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy became my best friend. The point of the therapy is to accomplish more accurate thought processes when faced with a problematic thought causing depression and anxiety. These were the steps I followed:

-Writing down an incident that causes me anxiety/depression

-Writing down my initial feeling (this would be the feelings that caused excessive anxiety)

-Rating my moods associated with the feeling

-Listing the reasons that would support my feeling being true

-Listing the reasons that would indicate my feelings being false (with these two steps, you learn how to identify incorrect thinking)

-Rewriting a more rational approach regarding the incident

-Rerating the moods that I feel regarding the more rational thought that I was able to figure out

At first I completed these by filling out charts, especially after my first hospital stay in May of 2009. Whenever something negative occurred, I immediately pulled the chart out and recorded everything. Within a few weeks, I was able to do the process mentally. Before too long, it just became an instant process when faced with an anxious feeling.

And I must note: CBT may not cure the initial sadness or negative feelings, you may still feel them once you’ve reassessed the problem. HOWEVER, it makes it easier to find something else to do that helps the feelings subside. I used to be very insecure in relationships, and CBT has made it possible for my current relationship to be functional and virtually worry-free. Every now and then, something said will make my anxiety begin to rise and I will feel the panic, and even after figuring out the root issue I will still feel a little bad. That’s normal. But the trick for me is not to let the negative feelings overwhelm me entirely.

If you suffer from anxiety, I highly recommend meeting with a professional who specializes in the use of CBT. It never hurts! Another thing I must mention is that the therapist cannot fix you. YOU have to make the EFFORT to make therapy WORK. If you do therapy for anybody but yourself, it will not be nearly as effective. It’s not easy, and it has taken me well over a year with my current therapist to be at the level I am at right now. I also know that if I choose to ‘give up’ and not do the things that help me be functional that I will revert back to where I started out at. If you have anxiety and feel like things are hopeless, they are not! I am living, breathing proof of that!

I'm Alive! I Promise!!

Oh my goodness. I didn't realize what I was getting into with picking up a second job while taking probably the most difficult class I've ever taken. All my free time died! Well, tonight, not so much... so I'm trying to work on a post! I hope you guys didn't think I was neglecting your blogs, but this is the first time in over a week I've been able to jump on Blogger! So hopefully into next week I can get caught back up on everything and the blog. Just to let you know!

Not Me! Monday

This weekend, I did not lose my pants.

Let me rephrase- I did not lose my pants in my room, when I had just seen them the night before. I did not proceed to spend about 30 minutes digging through my room to find said pants. I had to wear them to work, cause it was going to be a 90 degree day under hot lights.

I did not find them in the laundry room when I went to grab another piece of clothing. I did not remember that dad grabbed all my work pants and threw them in the laundry room.

And this morning, I did not misplace my car keys. I’m not disorganized enough to lose things TWO days in a row! I did not dig through my room AGAIN to find them. I did not cry in frustration. I did not call dad to ask if he had seen them, only for him to tell me that I would not be driving the car that those car keys belonged to. He had that car. I did not remember that the night before he told me that I would have the other car. And I did not spend nearly 45 minutes looking for car keys for a car that I would not be driving.

I did not make my room into a god awful mess. I would never let it get out of control. It is not one of the worst messes I’ve ever had to deal with. There aren’t clothes strewn all over and papers cluttering the floor. I have not tripped at least three times this morning over my crud. While I’m slightly disorganized, I’m not this bad.

I am not panicking over my group project that is supposedly due tonight. I am usually very much in control of all my school projects and don’t wait until the last minute to make sure my group gets it together to get it finished. I will not be up until 1am making sure it is completed. I did not call a coworker to cover half of my shift so I could get more done. I would never sacrifice precious work hours to make sure school is completed.

What have you NOT done this week? Mortified to admit those crazy things you’ve done? Well no worry… you DIDN’T do it! Link over to MckMama’s page this lovely morning and write about what you didn’t do as well. It’s NOT a lot of fun! :-)

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R' Us kid!

I am not ashamed to admit it, but I consider myself to be more like a big kid than an adult. Not that I have anything against adults acting mature and responsible (even I have to do this every once in a while!), however, I just prefer to get down and dirty and have as much fun as possible! I don’t let age limits stop me from participating in activities that I enjoyed even ten years ago. Plus, by having that childlike demeanor, I feel like I am able to take more joy out of everyday situations. Not that I’m naïve, but one thing I’ve always admired about children is that most are able to see the positive in any sort of situation. Bad things happen, but most of the time children are able to roll with the punches and not worry nearly as much about fears consuming their whole being.


When I babysit or nanny, I believe it is fully important to actually play with the child. I have to be honest in that playing with a child is a much harder task than it used to be. Children have such vivid imaginations! They see a toy and can instantly create a story that evolves into something magical. And it’s like a psychic connection that children have, they can come together and make two different stories (because honestly, not every child thinks on the same wavelength) combine into something that works for them.

Currently I babysit a cute four year old girl and her two year old brother. She has such a creative mind and I find it very difficult to keep up and ‘pretend’ with her. But by participating in her stories, I find that my imagination continues to expand and that I think out of the box much more effectively than before. In a way, it keeps me feeling young! I hope that I can still feel this way twenty years from now, when that ‘young feeling’ is much harder to grasp when needed.

Some of my hobbies and activities I enjoy are kid based too, and in this case, I enjoy them without the presence of children around. For instance, I LOVE CARTOONS! I’m sure you noticed on my last post that I had a picture of Patrick from Spongebob.

Spongebob is an adorable cartoon from Nickelodeon about undersea critters. It has been on the air for about 11 years now, so I enjoyed it quite thoroughly even when I was 11 years old! As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found themes, jokes, and ideas that are actually more ‘adult’ focused. I believe kids enjoy cartoons for the simple story lines, the cleverly drawn characters, and the simple jokes. But beyond that, they involve a lot of laughs for adults to enjoy too.

Another great cartoon that is only a couple years old is ‘Phineas and Ferb’. Created with that touch of Disney magic, it tells the adventures of two young boys that live each day in summer to the fullest, and their older sister who is always trying to bust her brothers for their daily creations. Filled with clever puns, good music, an excellent storyline, and humorous characters, it easily warms into the hearts of both children and adults alike. Below is one of my favorite episodes, namely for the song ‘Squirrels in my Pants’.



VIDEO GAMES! Oh my gosh do I love me some video games! Now, I do play video games that are structured generally for the 12 and up crowd (minus the Wii games, which are amazingly fun as well!). It’s just so fun to get into a game where you are another character and you have to undergo adventures and quests. Pokémon is one of my favorites! You start as a ten year old about to receive your first Pokemon so you can go off and take a journey to become the best Pokemon trainer in the land. Currently I have my own copy of Pokemon HeartGold that I still need to finish, however I’m just so busy my life that I’ve been neglecting it! I also have a love for World of Warcraft! You start as a creature questing to defeat monsters, enemies, and finding important information that is crucial to your race. You join up with other individuals to quest, if you so choose. There are also fun games to play within the game, such as capture the flag. It’s very addicting! Too bad I have better things to spend $14.95 on a month.

Last but not least, I’m just crazy, goofy, and I don’t let other people tell me not to be fun and out of the box. It is always so nice to make your friends laugh while using funny voices, pretending to be like other people, and telling amusing (if not redundant) jokes. Even though I’m 22, I don’t let the stressors of finishing college and deciding what I want to do with my life control and overwhelm me (all the time, occasionally it makes me feel a little anxious!). I feel good about my life.

Don’t feel afraid to let loose. Don’t let age restrictions keep you from enjoying activities you’d like to participate in. Take in all the joys and wonders life has to offer. Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to be a little creative. In my opinion, it makes life just a little bit nicer!

Spongebob, I Got an Award!

Ooh, that is just an epic episode.

Anyways, I was just looking through the blogs I've been following.. and HOLY COW!! I got an award! I think that's pretty darn sweet! Apparently I'm an awesome commenter, and The Girl Who Loves to Whine over at I Know You Wish Your Life Was More Like Mine! says so! Thanks!

So, I guess there are some rules I have to abide by as a nominee.

1. Thank person who nominated me.


2. Copy the award. Paste it in my blog.

3. Link to the person who gave me this award.

4. Answer the 10 questions that come with the award.


Questions:

1. Why do you blog?

I blog because I've always had a passion for writing and I know it is something I excell in. I could always write a journal, but I honestly believe that I do have a lot of important things to say and I want others to see it! I'm not ashamed of what I have to say at all!


2. What are your 3 best memories?

My first memory that I will talk about was of Christmas when I was about 5 years old. My mom was very poor and we lived on welfare. The Women's Shelter in my town invited us over and took us back into a room so the director could talk to my mom and I. In there, there were a TON of presents. They then told me they were all for me! I will never forget how happy I was. To this day, I want to volunteer because I want other people to experience the same joy I felt when that happened.

Another one of my favorite memories was when I was dating a guy back at Luther College. We had been dating for about a month when he decided to drive us to this cool little park at 4am. I hadn't been there before, but he had. There was a trail off the side of the park, and it led to this big stone tower we climbed up. It was a little rough, but the at the top it was beautiful. We stayed and watched the sunrise. It was only about 35 degrees, but it is a fond memory.

My last memory that I will talk about was my first airplane trip that I remember. My family went to Hawaii, and let me tell you... it was a LONG day. We got to the hotel at about 6pm after a busy and tiring travel day, and we walked out to the beach at sunset. It was incredibly peaceful, just a few people walking along the edge of the beach. It was the first time I had ever seen the ocean, and I remember the feel of the water on my toes. It was pretty sweet.
3. If you had to change your real name what would you change it to?

If I had to change my name? I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. I mean, Rachel is ok, but when I was a kid I wanted to be called Larissa (where in the world did I get that name??).

4. What are five things you can't live without?
1. My friends. I have amazing, incredible friends who support me, are there for me when I need it, and we always have good times. This would include my boyfriend, the only one I will name specifically. I have known him for about a year and what an incredible year this has been getting to know him. I know, at the very least, I want him to part of my life always... in some way, shape, or form.

2. My computer. Ohhh my goodness, am I addicted! I'm always on it, but that's ok!

3. Hugs!! I'm very much a physical touch sort of person, and I would die without them!

4. My therapist- without him, I would not have made the progress I've made today

5. God's love. When I am all alone, I remember that He is always there.

5. What are the 4 best books you've ever read?

1. How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk- John Van Epp. I was not able to date effectively until I read this book. I'm not in a perfect relationship now, but it's quite functional :)

2. The Hunger Games- Suzanne Collins. No words to describe how AWESOME this book series is!

3. The Last Song- Nicholas Sparks. I'm a big Nicholas Sparks fan, and his newest book was just perfect. It was a mix of romance and emotional drama that would make some people cringe, but I just sucked it in.

4. Small Town Girl- LaVyrle Spencer. About a country star who comes home to take care of her mom while she's recovering from hip surgery. She realizes she was missing out after she left home, and getting to know the neighbor boy from her childhood shows to be quite memorable.
6. Tell me something unique and interesting about yourself.

I don't know what's really unique about myself specifically, but I really strive to be different from other individuals. I don't like being labeled and I don't put limits on my abilities. So I think that's kind of unique and interesting! :)
7. What do you love best about yourself?

My hair!! :-D

8. What is the best movie ever made?

I'm not really a movie watcher, but one of my favorites is 'The Little Mermaid'. I have a similar personality type to Ariel and I think it's one of the more interesting Disney movies in that it promotes an adventurous spirit for young girls. 'Mulan' is another excellent example.

9. If you had a "freaky friday" experience who would you trade places with and why?

Oh jeez, I don't know. Probably something as simple as my boyfriend, cause I would want to see what it would be like to be a boy. I never really felt the urge to be anybody else!


10. What's the best part about being a woman?

According to the Shania Twain song.. 'the perogative to have a little fun!' ;)

4. Answer the 10 questions that come with the award.

5. Nominate of few of your favorite bloggers for the award.


Well, my first shout out goes to Janae Moss at Pink Moss! We definitely come from different backgrounds, but she is an excellent commenter and she always has very nice and thoughtful things to say!

The second one goes out to Rebecca at Say What You Say. Met her from 20sb, she has a very refreshing writing style and she gives plenty of sweet comments that make my day!

Apparently she's popular, because I noticed on another blog she's been given the award before, but it's Ratz from What Can I Say!. She definitely is able to relate to a lot of my posts.
My last award goes to Rae at The Teen Blog. She seems to be another young lover of the internet and she just is too darn adorable!

6. Post links to the bloggers you nominate.
 
Alrighty then, that's what I've gotta say today! Thanks again, Girl Who Loves To Whine, you put a big smile on my face!!
 
-Fin
 

Who Am I?

It seems like many blogs I’ve been starting to follow within the last couple of weeks have a lot of Christian values. Even if they are struggling to find their place in God’s eyes, they seem to take matters seriously. They know the bible and various bible verses. They know the songs. They participate in church. At first, I feel a little envious. And then I realize that God does not want me to be envious, especially in matters that come down to Him. He wants me to be myself and to do His will.

I am in the process of trying to find my identity within the Christian realm, and I’ll have to admit that it’s very overwhelming. I try to go to church. I try to read the bible. I pray, although I have a very bizarre way of praying. I try to look at all the different denominations and viewpoints and try to sort through which fits me the best. But I’m still very unsteady and unsure.

One of my biggest hurdles at the current time is I do not live in a college town. I am 22 years old, and the population of individuals in the 19-26 age range in my town is very slim. The church I attended throughout childhood all of a sudden started to feel very hostile because it felt like I didn’t exist. Not that I want to be the center of attention, but I want friends and I want to develop relationships with the other members. While I am an extravert, reaching out to specific individuals in such a large church was very scary.

So I decided to tag along with my boyfriend to his church. Immediately I felt much more comfortable because I was no longer alone, and the congregation was a lot younger compared to my other church. The goals of the church were clear: Accept Jesus, helping people to Become like Jesus, and helping people Contribute the love of Jesus to their world (the ABC method). The motto of the church is ‘Come As You Are’, which is extremely refreshing because I do not feel the need to fit into some type of mold to be accepted. I still wonder how my fit is though. While they have a great worship team, other individuals within the congregation don’t appear to get into the music. Sure, it might not seem like a big deal, but I best express my love and worship to God through music. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think if I choose to get involved with the music more than others, but I still feel extremely self conscious.

I have yet to participate in many of the church activities, though they do seem to be dying down for the summer. It’s very difficult to participate in a lot due to the fact the church is nearly 25 minutes away from where I live. My boyfriend participates in an activity called Celebrate Recovery, which is an event in where individuals with addictive, compulsive, and dysfunctional behaviors can come together with one another to experience God’s healing power and learn principles that help keep us from such unhealthy things. I think it sounds like a terrific program, though I would have to go to one much closer to my home and the thought of going alone is TERRIFYING! At a different church in town, one I actually attended my senior year of high school, they have a program for individuals age 18-35 to meet with similar aged individuals while celebrating God’s love with one another. Once again, it sounds terrific. But I feel so afraid to go on my own.

I read the bible occasionally, though even that I find is a struggle. Sure, I have my favorite books, verses, chapters, but I have yet to hammer through the whole thing. I don’t know all the stories, and I can’t spout verses to follow or inspire others. When I see other blogs taking multiple verses and writing thoughts about those verses, I feel like I know absolutely nothing. I just don’t find sitting down at reading the bible for hours at a time very fun. I also stink at creating and following study guides that help me sort through the bible more effectively. I’m hoping to join a bible study class when one is offered at my church.

I do pray, and quite frequently, but it’s a very strange way of praying. There are no words involved- God knows my thoughts and my heart. For me, it’s a quiet introspection time as I allow all the jumbled thoughts instead my mind calm down, so I can meditate and let God search my innermost being. The unique thing about this is that I have the ability to pray virtually anywhere I am. Ever since I started to do this, I find that I am finding answers for questions that I have been struggling with for years. My depression has diminished, I’m making fewer stupid choices, and I’m feeling better overall. It still doesn’t answer all my concerns, like the ones I’ve already posted, but I’m sure it will come in time.

At the very least, I try to go out of my way to show what Jesus wants us to show our fellow mankind: love. I am very accepting. I pray for other bloggers, friends, people I don’t enjoy, and family. I go out of my way to help others. I try to show people that I am there for them and that I care for them. Matthew 7 is probably one of my favorite chapters for it gives me extremely clear direction for what I need to do to be accepted into God’s Kingdom.

It’s just difficult. I want to understand my place in God’s eyes, and I want to do His will. I have no idea how to go about doing this in ways that I feel comfortable, though I know that’s an unrealistic expectation. Seeking God is not easy and likely will feel uncomfortable. I just have to push past my fears and anxiety and just do it. Go to the events. Read the bible. Continue to pray for guidance for myself and others. Spread God’s love to other individuals.

Hopefully things get better. I know if I try, they will. It will just take some time to get established. It’s like losing weight in a way. You establish healthy behaviors and habits to get the weight to come off. It’s a slow process, but eventually you reach the goal you desire. And you have to continue to work to maintain that goal. Same with doing God’s will. We have to do those things that are healthy to get to the goal we work towards, and we don’t quit when we get there. It’s a never ending process.

-Fin

Staying Steady on the Balance Beam

Oh my goodness! When I started working on this blog, I was so excited and eager to get writing posts right away and developing all sorts of fun ideas to write about. I pushed life away and focused nearly 100% on my writing. I mean, sure, I did my other things but blogging took precedence

Then I realized I was slacking on work and school. Nothing extreme, but I was definitely losing focus on things that are a priority in life. My assignments were getting in late (actually, that might not be because of this. My statistics class was lame and the teacher was awful!), I wasn’t putting as much zeal into my work, and all that was on my mind was ‘What should I write next?’

If you know a little bit about me, I am very much a black and white thinker. All or nothing. There is no middle ground for me. This type of thinking pattern is very destructive for me, mainly in the form that I cannot appear to balance out activities I enjoy very well. When I realized I had to get back to my other priorities, all of a sudden I felt exhausted to think about blogging by the end of the day. My goal was to write a post every day, and constantly follow all the blogs I’ve been starting to follow.

Alright, within a matter of days, I realize that is obviously a daunting task.

There is a balance between keeping a blog and still living life. Unless one is actually making an income on their blog (which I am pretty sure there are not many), we have to realize that life does come first. Blogging is a fun hobby, for sure! But getting too heavily involved in any hobby can be unhealthy. A lot of the blogs I follow consist of authors that go to school, have a family, and have a career (if not a mix of any two or all three!). I can’t help but crack a smile when I see them talk about setting goals of getting their butt off the computer and getting other work done!

I pretty much live on my computer. This was already pre-blogging. I guess I do have the excuse of actually attending school online which means between 10-20 hours a week of time is committed to reading textbooks, writing papers and powerpoints, and participating in daily discussion questions. Besides school, Facebook and instant messenger are always one click away. I easily have three or four hour conversations with friends over chat. I skype with my boyfriend frequently. I have iTunes on in the background every now and then. I also play some video games, like World of Warcraft (used to) and Dream of Mirror Online. I read CNN and followed about 25 blogs and CaringBridge pages. I also Googled random topics that I found interesting and could read for hours. Wikipedia was both my best friend and my worst enemy.

On top of all that craziness, now I have made the commitment to write about things that are important. Some people can throw together blog posts quickly, but I approach things differently by thinking of topics and ideas ahead of time. I spent a lot of time concocting in my head how I want a blog post to appear. I have a growing list of blog topics that I plan to write about. I also have about four other half finished blog entries that I am churning out slowly.

As for the rest of my life, I’ve gotten quite lazy. Going outside on my own will has almost become a chore. I let chores go unfinished around the house, only to the dismay of my father who yells about how I’m not doing my part around the house. Besides spending time with my boyfriend, I haven’t been seeing many friends and spending time with them.

I obviously need to get a better handle on how to manage my computer time from cleaning, friend, work, outside, and sleeping time. I have been keeping a calendar for a while (thank you BJ!) and most of that is filled with work times and some other events that are going on. What I need to do weekly is set up time that I am devoting to doing all my ‘other’ online activities. I have tried going the other way around by planning times to honor my other commitments, but it only frustrates me because then I do not feel like I have much flexibility at all. In reality, I do have a lot of time to spare. It’s easier for me to put in ‘Ok, this Monday from 6pm to 9pm I am going to read my blogs, write any posts, veg out on Facebook and instant messenger, and whatever other junk I have subjected myself to obsess over’.

Ok, so I’m not going to churn out a blog post daily. I won’t be able to follow every single post to every single blog I follow (trust me, I’d like to, but I’d go mad since I follow currently about 40+ blogs). It’s very tempting, yes, but I have to keep myself happy, healthy, and depression free. I don’t want to feel exhausted if it’s 11pm at night after a busy day of papers and work to feel compelled to write something. There’s always a better and more appropriate time.

It’s all a delicate balancing act.

Now I just have to figure out how to make this work for me.

How do you guys balance blogging and life? I always appreciate comments and suggestions!

-Fin-