Curly-Haired Confessions

Don't Let Them Create Their End...

2011-11-15T16:11:00.001-08:00

I came across a doozy of a story this evening while I was surfing the web. I hadn't heard about it before; it's pretty new.

Ever hear of Ashley Billasano? She was a high school student in Texas. Very, very pretty girl in the few pictures associated with the story. Looking at her smiling face you would hardly believe that anything is wrong whatsoever.

Well, we will never see that smile in person again.

I never knew her. Never knew about the situation. Texas is quite far away from my own meager state. But what blows me away about the situation is that she sent 144 twitter messages to her 500+ followers in the six hours before her death. They all described her life; her abuse, her suffering, and her journey to those who abused her put away. Apparently nobody really thought anything serious of it, because she killed herself. Even after saying that her first attempt failed.

I can say I have been in her shoes. I have had similar abuse and a similar journey. I too have that 'pretty smile' and most people would never guess the type of past I've had to struggle with. Most people would classify me as happy-go-lucky, bubbly, and friendly. Only a handful of people know the real truth. I was broken, too; suicidal at one point. I know God was always close in those moments of deep despair, as for some reason I could never actually go forward with the end. Something inside kept me moving forward, allowing me to recognize the finality of death and the good things I would ultimately miss. The people I would hurt... even when it felt like everybody stood miles away.

Sexual abuse is a big deal. It takes a great deal of courage to get help; to call the police and get them involved. To track down the abuser and see if they can develop a case against them. I've been told not once, not twice, but three times in my life... from the age of 5 through 21... that they could not gather enough evidence to present a case against a jury. It was amazing how little they offered for me; resources to find counseling, support groups, absolutely nothing. I felt fortunate that something led me to go to therapy. I've had other rough difficulties in my life and I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to die. Through God, hard work, and a wonderful therapist I can fully say that part is behind me. I know things won't be perfect, but ultimately I will be ok.

It hurts to know Ashley didn't have that. That she hurt. That she cried out... and apparently nobody came to give her solace; a way to help her grieve properly and overcome her trials.

This is what I want to advocate against. I know sexual abuse runs rampant throughout the world. Many cases never even reach a judge and many abusers are allowed freedom to continue to hurt others. The sex offenders that continue to offend in our own communities are offered third, fourth, fifth chances... something I find absolutely disgusting and horrid. I'm all for allowing second chances and having the benefit of the doubt, but when I see news articles describing 'high-risk' offenders being placed back miles from my own residence... that scares me. Not just for me, but for people who may be hurt because of it. I know many people are too afraid to even discuss their abuse as they are afraid they will be punished or ignored...

I can't stand for that! I have to find a way to help people like Ashley. If justice cannot be given, then we need to find ways to reach out and help heal. Nobody deserves to feeling like nothing; like nobody cares. Nobody deserves death when they are hurt. Please... if you see somebody hurting... do something. Don't allow them to create their end.

1-800-273-8255 is a United States suicide hotline. If you know of anybody wanting to end their life because of abuse, this hotline can provide you significant information to help.

1 Week Post Op from Periacetabular Osteotomy

2011-11-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know how some bloggers who have gone through this procedure actually can write anywhere near or on surgery date. I was so fried!!! Today is the first day that I can think to describe what actually happened. It's not perfect but I will try to give you my best recall of the last week:

October 28- Surgery Day!!: I was sooo nervous... since I had not eaten, my stomach was gurgling a lot and I had.... erm... lots of gas pre-surgery (my poor pre-op guest!). I got to admissions at 7am and into the pre-operation area relatively quickly. Got into my surgery garb and a nurse asked some basic questions prior to my exam. I also found out that I would get to take my iPod touch down into the waiting area before surgery. Two family members and my boyfriend accompanied me here. Probably around 9 or so they wheeled me down into pre-op waiting area where I chatted on my iPod touch with my boyfriend. I wasn't really watching the time too carefully but I think around 10 they sent me to get my epidural. Once they threw in the first sedative everything was fuzzy until I was out for good. I barely remember the epidural. I do remember them wheeling me to the operating room, but once they got a mask on me I WAS OUT COLD!!!

I remember waking up in the recovery area probably around 2:30 (I think they knocked me out around 11... the procedure didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would have. I asked for my iPod to talk to my boyfriend and they fed me ice chips. I was in a bit of pain as my initial pain meds from surgery were wearing off and I was a bit annoyed it took them so long to respond (I don't know if they had expected me to be awake so soon!). My throat hurt from the ventilator (ick ick ick >_<). I remember just chatting with my medical personal until they wheeled me up to my room. After that the rest of the evening was pretty much a blur. Not much excitement. I did manage to eat a little toast in the evening so my nurses were happy about that.

Saturday October 29 +1: I remember sleeping the evening before did not happen very successfully. Between all the machines and the nurses bugging me, I was annoyed and anxious. The pain was relatively well managed but I detested feeling as drugged as I did. I had some visitors throughout the day but mainly it was another blur for me. PT came in and did some simple exercises with me but I did not have the energy to get out of bed. Drain tube went out.

Sunday October 30: +2 This is the day that I remember not enjoying PT as much. They tried for 20 minutes to get me out of bed in the morning but I was still on my epidural and could not feel my good leg. Once they took it out after my morning session I regained feeling and managed to sit in a chair for a few minutes. I think this was the day I also learned I hate the smell of baby powder. I magically grew out of my aversion for bed pans too! Catheter went out and an IV blew out in the early morning.

Monday October 31 +3: This was probably one of my tougher days. I did manage to get a shower and man, that was exhausting!! They took out my remaining IVs, tubes, and removed the staples from my wound. Round one PT they tried to get me to walk and use crutches instead of the walker, but my nerve pain was horrid and I'm praying I never meet any of those people from that therapy group AGAIN. I feel so bad about the things I said to them >_> I rarely rage like that (in fact, I don't think I ever rage like that....). Had some visitors and told I would go home the next day most likely. Round two PT was much more successful but only on the walker.

Tuesday November 1 +4: HOME DAY!!!! My only PT session was successful and I was honestly wondering where I magically learned to use the crutches and move farther overnight... it was a completely different feeling from the other day. I made it out of the room and up/down a small set of stairs. I got discharged in the late afternoon and made it home. Crawled into bed. My sweet boyfriend got Noodles and that was the first thing I desired to eat in days!!

Wednesday and Thursday weren't super exciting, but today (+7, Friday November 4) I managed to play a little World of Warcraft sitting up, got showered and cleaned almost by myself (I'd say 80% was my own effort), ate lunch and breakfast, and mastered sleeping more on my side. My leg has felt a smidge clunky today which feels awkward, but not bad.

So yeah, :) that's the update!!

Getting close

2011-10-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Hello to everybody alive out there!!!

Do apologize for my quietness... I intended to write more, but between finishing up my psychology degree and actually processing how the next few months are going to pan out... I've been stressed. I've started to have a lot of dreams about surgery, about my future, about what the heck is going to happen in the last year. I really have been keeping most of my thoughts in my head, but I figure since my surgery date is getting closer, I should be a little better with updating for the next few weeks.

I've started to check out some Social Work programs for my graduate degree. I'm going to visit some schools next Thursday and Saturday; already visited one a little over a week ago. I'm glad to get away for a few days before surgery. Also get to see Evanescence with the boyfriend :) wee, very excited about that!

I've been continuing to develop my relationship with God. Right now I'm learning to build confidence in my faith. My pastor said something to the extent in his sermon about how God fearfully and wonderfully made us for who we are. I should not doubt my abilities or my personality traits; God can use me in any way possible. So, I have to keep my confidence up, especially with the upcoming surgery.

I have also been learning about the book of Job. I find it interesting that his character is what God found favor in, yet I don't really see the definition of integrity as an important trait for Christians to have these days. I mean, Job feared God, he prayed for others, had integrity, and loved his family and friends. I definitely think I could take some lessons from him!! I'll have to write more about that in the next few days so I can collect my thoughts a little better.

Hope you all are doing well, and thanks for the comments. I really do appreciate them :).

October 28th

2011-09-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

October 28th is my surgery date!

To be honest, I'm really not that frustrated; yes, it is 6 weeks out, but considering there are only 7 days in that time where the surgeon performs this particular surgery (on Fridays), I will have to say it could be MUCH worse. On October 26 I will undergo a lot of pre-op appointments to prepare for the surgery and learning everything I need to know for my hospital stay and probably some afterward.

In the mean time, I'm chilling out. I got a cortisone shot last week to help with the pain. It has been touch and go, but overall I am having more significant pain relief. I also got a pathology report yesterday saying that my current meds are safe for any pre-op or post-op medications to help alleviate the pain.

I apologize I did not post sooner. I've just been aggravated about the surgery and really don't want to think about it. I'm so scared and want it to go smoothly. I've been praying for patience and calm, cause I know panic will be relatively useless. Also have been crazy busy with school! TWO CLASSES LEFT!! I'm waiting to hear if I can my appeal approved to start my last class early, so I don't have to deal with it in the middle of surgery. I really don't want to do a capstone in the middle of surgery/pain/hospitalization. I'm sure my writings would sound DRUGGED!!!!!

I'll try to update with something more fun tomorrow :).... like about getting my first information packet from a graduate program and a letter from my Compassion child!

Today is the Day

2011-09-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

Today is the day
The Lord has made;
Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Pslam 118:24

Well, I'm at September 6; the BIG day... to find out when my surgery is, I hope. I have been waiting for two and a half months in pain, out of work for almost two, and stuck at home for the better part of the summer. As difficult as this particular journey has been, I know God won't let this opportunity go to waste and I have to do what I can in the mean time. My friend reminded me that no matter what, God won't abandon me and is with me.

If you can pray, pray that they can get the process moving along quickly. I feel like I've missed out on too much of my life and want to get back into it happy and willing to live my life. Pray that the pain is minimal, and pray that my anxiety will be manageable.

45 minutes to go....

Blessings and Prayers

2011-09-04T09:58:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't updated a lot. I really haven't done much in the last few weeks outside of being in the house, and I'm relatively sure you don't want to hear about my continuous pain! (To be perfectly honest, I'm pretty sick of it myself). I've found that finding happiness in the small things really is my best medicine. The more I focus on the pain, the more (as my boyfriend says) 'owly' I get. Factor in additional female problems and I feel like a monster!

Here are my blessings from the last week:

-I GOT MY TOENAILS PAINTED (yes, that really makes me that happy)

-Had lunch at my voice teachers house, had two little kids love on me, and watched Tangled

-Got to see a friend from out of town

-Got to chat with an old church friend about her hip surgery and what she went through

-My boyfriend is coming over to watch the Twilight Saga (per HIS suggestion <3)

-Got a new flexible ice pack

Right now it seems like my friends are few, but I'm at a rough age where many of us are really busy. People have been helping when they can and it sounds like many will try to visit me when I'm in the hospital. That will be very pleasant, as social interaction probably helps/relieves the pain more than any methods I can try for myself.

My appointment with my new surgeon is on Tuesday. My dad and my boyfriend will accompany me, as they will likely be my primary caretakers in the weeks following surgery for recovery. Dad doesn't think it's quite as necessary for the boyfriend to follow, but I'd rather try not to third party any information that my boyfriend needs to know for the time being. Plus, it's additional comfort as I'm terrified about what information the appointment will bring (can't really snuggle my dad, haha!).

If you can send prayers, these are my current requests:

-Short wait for surgery (preferably before October)

-Minimal pain until surgery

-Approval of short term disability pay through work

-A good attitude no matter what happens

I hope that everything works out ok. Tuesday will be a crazy day; start of a new class, must contact work, call friends and family with more information, and work out any preparation details prior to surgery. And of course, I'll make sure I put additional updates on here :).

Running 3.5 Miles Wherever I go

2011-08-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm glad my doctor, especially my Physical Therapist, has encouraged me to get out of the house. It really isn't healthy to sit in my desk chair all day, as then I'm either doing school, playing World of Warcraft, or reading the million webpages I follow on a regular basis.

It still isn't entirely comfortable getting around out of the house yet, but I'm getting a bit better with the crutches. It's actually very tiring and I can't move as much as I'd prefer to admit without running out of breath. Supporting so much weight with your hands and crutches is HARD... but I'm loving the upper body workout somewhat. I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO WORK OUT SINCE JUNE!!! That really sucks :( so for now I'm just trying to watch what I eat. Haven't gone up in weight, so I will say that's a relative success so far. CHECK OUT THESE BAD BOYS! (And don't judge my WoW calendar that has the wrong month...)

Around the house I usually don't use my crutches. I know my limits, I know what will hurt me, and I know not to move too fast. I managed to bake a cake about two weeks ago without my crutches, with some sitting or balancing on my left leg and my hands on the counters. I find the more I keep my mind busy, the less I think about the pain. I can still do some simple chores (although this picture indicates my room looks like crap... it really does hurt to bend down and pick stuff up).

I know once I actually get the surgery I will be non-weight bearing for at least 8 weeks, though it could be as long as 12. I'm fortunate I've got very strong leg muscles so I'm sure getting my leg strength up won't be too awful in the long run. So even though it hurts, I still try to use my right leg some. May as well use it while I've got it, right?

Boyfriend took me on a date last night! Well, kinda... he got a new phone so I think it ended up being more fun for him! He got a Motorola Photon and it's pretty neat (I have to wait another year before I am eligible for upgrade... CRY). I was playing with it this morning a bit and it's nice, moves quickly, and does not appear to suck too much. Oh, he just called too and it sounds nice also! I've still got my clunky Samsung Moment (aka first gen android GARBAGE), but in retrospect I really don't use it that much. I end up using my iPod touch for most of those functions needing Wifi.

Although he was semi-engrossed with his new toy, I was relatively impressed (and still am) with his ability to talk about methods in which we can improve our relationship. I'm glad to be in a relationship with somebody who cares, recognizing the future will be difficult, and addressing what we can now. We've been reading "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts", a book that addresses 7 primary concerns in which many couples struggle. I suppose we've seen enough bad relationships with horrible communication that we really don't want to go down that same road. I know that getting married isn't going to be a peachy road, but it does feel nice that I will be a lot more prepared going into it.

Yes, I need to get back to my biology paper now. Less than three months til graduation :).

Updating what you've missed so far...

2011-08-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

So, even though my hip has pretty much messed up most of my summer, I've still had many good moments that I'm definitely grateful for! So far...

-I've gone to a wedding with boyfriend's family

-Helped out with a graduation party

-Participated in Field Day for Amateur Radio

-Finally got to get in the storm chasing action

-Singer in a real band gig

-Continued relationship counseling with our boyfriend to improve things

So, summer-wise, it may not have been the most exciting... but I'll take what I've got. I don't really have any recent pictures as the pain expresses very well on my face, so I haven't really used the new camera I got for my birthday back in May. Here's some of what I do have from June...

Since I'm not at work, I have lots of time to work on school. So far I've been getting relatively good grades and have a current 3.6 GPA. I've had a lot of time to think about my future and I have decided to apply for Masters of Social Work degree programs at a few different schools in the Midwest. I also landed an internship for social services in my town, which was supposed to have started last week but is on hold until I can walk and move around better.

I've been spending a lot of time with the boyfriend lately. He's been incredibly patient with my health situation and most of my social interaction since I'm not at work anymore. We've been working very hard at trying to strengthen our relationship and learn more about each other. We celebrated our one year anniversary in April and we had quite a bit of fun wandering around MOA and then going to an awesome Japanese restaurant :). So far there seems to be a positive outlook in the future, but nothing official yet. I will make sure to review the book we've been reading that our pastor suggested to us. I'm hoping we can get some professional pictures taken before I get my surgery next month.

If you know me personally, please leave a comment or message me on FB (or anyway you can reach me personally). I would absolutely love to meet somebody for lunch/dinner or hang out at my house. It's been really rough having a diminished social life and I would like to see people. I have all the free time in the world right now... so just let me know!

To make up for my lack of social life I have been playing a lot of World of Warcraft. I recently joined a new server and guild a few months ago and many members already seem like family in a way! It keeps my mind off the pain and lack of ability to do things. It is definitely a time waster... but a lot of fun! If any of you want to try it out, give me your email and I can send you a referral (you get WAY more perks that way!).

I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading :).

Hip hip boo!!!!!!!

2011-08-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

I've put aside blogging for a while. I had no idea what to write about!

Well, now I do! A lovely two month ago, I started experiencing extremely terrible pain in my right hip after working a couple of hours. I've had similar types of pain before, generally after working a long shift at work. I always pegged it as typical long day, legs/feet hurt, no big deal. After getting myself on a chair or bed for a few hours it always went away. Well, mid-June the pain started eating at me while at work. It gnawed around my groin and almost felt like I would have to pop my hip area. After dealing with multiple shifts with this groin-wrenching agony, I decided to see a chiropractor.

So, I finally get in with one, and have an upper and lower back adjustment. Upper back = felt heavenly for weeks! Lower back/hip= felt good for about three hours. That was on a Friday. I still had a ton of pain over the weekend. The next Monday, I finally call my primary and set an appointment. When I went to the appointment a few days later, the doctors were concerned with the pain caused by their movements. They set me up for a bunch of x-rays after the appointment, which were weird and uncomfortable. Get a call back the next morning saying that the x-rays were clear and they wanted to do an MRI. So, I go in for an MRI. I felt somewhat good that my hip was throbbing while I was in the long, skinny machine because there was no way it was nothing.

The next few days, I was starting to feel better. I had been resting a lot, not overdoing it on my feet, and being careful while moving around. I thought maybe it was getting better. I heard back from my primary saying that I had a labral tear and he asked how it was feeling. I was feeling much better, so we both assumed I was getting better. It was around the fourth of July, was working a lot of hours and enjoying time with my boyfriend and family. Life was good.

Until a few days later, the pain popped up at work again. It was excruciating and I could barely hold back my tears as I worked. Luckily my manager was super nice and found me a tall chair to sit on to check out customers, but the pain was not manageable. I was sucking down pain relievers like candy and those barely helped. After a few more days, I finally call the doctor again who refers me to orthopedics. I had to wait another week and a half to see a professional, which seemed like torture. I had to get a work release starting July 15th. I kept it easy around the house and tried not to do anything to trigger the pain in my groin. At this point it was worst when I just stood and often cracked when I walked (not a comfortable feeling).

When I saw the orthopedist in sports medicine in mid-late July, she said she needed another MRI with dye in the hip joint and she wanted me to start physical therapy. She said she was pretty sure I had a tear with my previous MRI, but since there was no dye she could not see as clearly as she would like. So I went in for the new MRI. First they had to take me to a side room and inject a lovely needle with anesthetic and dye into my right hip. Thank goodness for numbing spray, but it felt SO WEIRD. The anesthetic felt so wonderful for a few hours and I had almost no pain. I was hoping it would last, but by the end of the day the pain was excruciating. I had to wait until August 4th to see the same orthopedist again.

Physical therapy didn't last too long. He gave me a few exercises to keep up at home and we tried some electrostimulation therapy on the joint, and the pain relief was short lived (less than an hour).

So, August 4 rolls around and I see the orthopedist. She provides new information which I have not been told. She said that my hip socket did not match the ball of my femur from the x-rays taken in JUNE (and they said they were fine :-\) and that the MRI indicated a labral tear. She referred me to an arthroscopic surgeon to review my case... more waiting. Next appointment was August 16th. I was going nuts with all the waiting. I had been out of work for a month, I lost an internship opportunity, I could barely get out of the house, I couldn't exercise, and getting terribly depressed.

New appointment brought some more shockers. Found out my labrum was about 3-4 time bigger than an average person's (the doc kept referring to it as a MONSTER >>;;). He explained the angle of my femur was not in enough, so that was creating such a large area in my hip socket. He said he could fix the tear, but since the tear was not related to trauma or injury he was afraid that it would just re-tear. So, then he told me he was talking to another surgeon to see whether an open-hip surgery would be a better option.

WHAT?!?!? Open... hip... surgery... WHAT?????

Ushered into another set of more awkward x-rays. These were so particular that I had to stand in all sorts of funky ways. It was odd and unusual; my x-ray tech obviously did not do a lot of that type of x-ray. She would do one, then have to call and check for approval or suggestions for a better x-ray, then shoot some more.

Last Friday, I got a call right before the offices closed. Two surgeons collaborated and decided that the open-hip surgeon wanted to see my case. Arthroscopic surgeon is convinced this is a better option for me. I got an appointment set up with the new surgeon on September 6, though I will continue to call to see if I can get in a cancellation slot. I also learned today that the procedure in question is called a Periacetabular Osteotomy.

This... has not been my year health wise. I figure right now I'll use my blog as a type of therapy while I'm going through my hip issues. I know I will be going through a lot more pain and hard work for many months to come. So, come here for all the latest updates! I will also start posting some other stuff; I think other kinds of writing and whatnot will be good for me as well.

On a lighter note, I graduate with my undergrad in November!! Yay!

Blah blah blah filler post :D

2011-03-20T22:05:00.001-07:00

Where oh where have I been?

I continue to be given trial after trial.

Sometimes it's a pleasant feeling, knowing that God believes I'm strong enough to overcome these challenges to live out His purpose for me. Every year I've been able to list off the issues and problems I have overcome. Some have been easier than others, that's for sure!

This year, my health has been my biggest problem. I will not complain, for I read far too many blogs about young children with cancer, adults with horrid diseases that you can't even imagine... they continue to fight and persevere. They are my inspiration to keep going through a period of some bad health. Since January, I have been out of work for a month combined. I damaged my wrist in a bizarre work injury (I hit my wrist on a clothing rack- sooo dangerous!) and was in unbearable pain for a few weeks. Recently, I developed pneumonia. I struggle with making my illnesses a bigger deal than they really are, so I didn't say much about a cold that popped up. Thankfully, when I started getting a fever a week later, my boyfriend encouraged me to get checked out. Turns out I have pneumonia, and another week later... I still feel very weak. But I will keep on!

Enough with that!

On a lighter note, I am definitely becoming more confident and steady. I like where I am, even though sometimes I'm unsure the outcomes that await. I'm applying for graduate school soon! Holy cow; when did I become an adult?!?! I am almost 23, and yet I still feel (for some bizarre reason), like I'm in HIGH SCHOOL. I still live with my dad, who spoils me rotten (which I do appreciate, but find cutting those ties to be extremely difficult).

My classes have been a lot of fun, especially now that I'm in my last year of my undergrad. I finally graduated from the classes that pretty much taught me all the basics. Now, I'm learning to apply everything I've learned into my own thoughts and ideas. The ideas and principles are advanced, and there is a lot of direction there as well. It is amazing! I'm definitely thinking Child and Family currently... but things change! I can never quite seem to make up my mind... but that's how life goes!

Um... bye for now :D.

American Idol!!!!

2011-03-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

Yes- absolutely lovely 'getting back into blogging' random post time!

I am so glad American Idol is down to the final 12 (though it started at 13). Unlike most people, I honestly don't enjoy the preliminary rounds nearly as much. It's wonderful to find the background stories and listen to so many talented singers, but I find it's incredibly hurtful for those who are auditioning (and are maybe not as talented) to be exploited that way. I honestly wonder if they choose to have their song performed if they know they are bad, just so they can get the publicity (or maybe it's in the contract, that everybody has the possibility of being on TV).

I didn't get to catch the show last week, cause the lovely world of retail tends to steal many an evening of mine... but this week I had the honor of being sick with pneumonia so I got to finally see what the show is working with this year.

I have to admit, I'm very impressed! Maybe it's cause Simon is finally out that we have a wider range of the types of talent this season has to offer. I'm not super fond of all the voices, but that does appear to relate to preferences. For the most part, the contestants seem to know what they are doing and are rocking it.

Right now my favorites are Scotty and Pia! I will have to keep watching to see what else develops in the weeks to come. Scotty is my favorite because a) he has a deep bass country voice (SEXY!!!!!!!!) and b) he sings Josh Turner (see part a). It's really refreshing to see that true country drawl that just melts me instantly (though I'd rather take my boyfriend's sweet voice any day!!!). I'm not fond of Pia's name (does it stand for something? I'm too lazy to check), but her voice is strong and mature.

I loved Thia's voice too, but I don't feel like she did justice to Colors of the Wind. She can do so much more with her voice, I can tell! AND SHE'S ONLY FIFTEEN!!!

I'm seriously gonna try out for the show next year. My voice lessons have been going very well, and between that and singing in my church worship band, I feel like I have direction and focus. I know I can get up on stage and not let my jitters overcome me.

Life on the home front is ok. Today is my 11 month anniversary with my boyfriend! I'm at home with pneumonia, and today was the first day I actually felt good enough to sit for most of the day. The last couple days I was so run down that getting out of bed was a chore... and yesterday was my only real rest day (so ya... Saturday-Monday pretty much was horrid). Day 3 of antibiotics are finally helping me feel strong, but moving for more than 20 minutes knocks me out. No appetite too, but I'm hoping this will be the kick start of my weight loss.

Toodles!

Building Back Up

2010-12-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

Weak. Frustrated. Useless.

I think about the limits the last few years have put on my body and mind. I feel difficulty doing the things I'm doing now; my plate is more full than it's been since probably high school. I'm doubling up on my classes, I am working a heavy amount of hours at my job (for part-time), I am busy with church activities, and then being a 22 year old on top of it all. Figuring out the details in my life: What defines me? What am I good at? What do I want to do? Who do I want to marry? When do I want to start a family? It's the holiday season; more activities are popping up than usual.

I'm definitely reaching my limits. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping very well. I start to snap easily, and I'm pretty difficult to snap. I feel like I'm failing.

It's my very first test since I've gained footing again.

I have to stop and realize I couldn't do this one year ago. I couldn't do it two or even three years ago. I would have broken down, slept, made poor decisions, or hurt myself. A few years ago it was worse. But it slowly got better, especially with therapy.

And it hits me that it's done. As of next week, I'm done with therapy. It's been a long road, honestly, a road I never thought I'd see the light at the end on. It was dark and bumpy, then mountainous, then light, then dark, and then began to smooth out. As the road became more smooth, there was more light.

It is easy to get caught up in the feelings of the moment and to compare myself to those who didn't have those struggles. Heck, I know a guy in grad school and works two full time jobs (I never did compare myself to him, however!). They kept going and didn't have major problems weigh them down.

In the mean time, I just have to work my way back up to that point. I'm not by far a failure for not being able to be at the level I want to be. Through God, he has helped me get through this rough patch, and now I am more experienced because of it. In the mean time, I am going to use what I've learned the last few years to help others.

Minne-SNOW-ta

2010-11-23T22:02:00.001-08:00

I reside in the great ol' land of MinneSNOWta... one of the most pleasant states in the country to vacation (except... minus the Twin Cities/Duluth/Boundary Waters... not so much!). I had the pleasure to spend the last three days in my nice warm house, under my nice warm covers, while my nice warm body (well, actually that part wasn't so nice) kept me shivering for multiple days. With my mystery illness in its last legs, I finally decided today would be an excellent day to get my butt out of my bedroom and start moving around.

So I hop online for a bit and start working on a paper (that wasn't due yesterday... nope!), chat with the dear boyfriend for a bit, and start figuring out my day. I knew that day I'd have to make the drive (I'm cat-sitting for my friend/voice teacher for the holidays) across town to feed and brush the cat. Read about the upcoming ice fiasco that's supposed to start tomorrow, got lectured by dad to be careful going to my appointment in icy conditions, sip coffee and munch on cereal. I finally finish my paper around 4:30pm, so I figure it's a great time to trek on out to the other side of town in my lovely Pilot.

I grab my Minnetonka Moccasins, my Aeropostle sweatshirt, and a pair of ratty jeans. I see the garbage was taken out today, so I figure I will grab the mail and the garbage/recycle cans before I hop in the car.

HOLY FLIPPING COLD!!!!

Somebody forgot to mention to me that it was barely only the in the mid 20s today. I quickly grab my Ugg boots, a coat, gloves, and a hat before I leave the house. Felt much better soon after.

It is amazing how quickly winter seems to come in Minnesota. It seems like it was only a month ago that we were enjoying highs in the 50s and 60s; in fact, we had an unusually warm March-Oct of 2010. The first day it was in the 40s last month, I knew I was in trouble! I decided to keep a coat in the car (just in case, ya know) and tough it out in mainly a sweatshirt to adjust a bit better. But in the three days I was confined indoors, it seems the atmosphere has changed a lot.

It's sad that we don't even enjoy a full 12 hours of sun, it's sad that it's going to get much colder before it gets warmer, it's sad that soon there will be ice and snow everywhere for extended periods of time, it's sad it will take 10 minutes for my car to run before I feel even an ounce of warmth driving home...

I cannot even begin to fathom why people enjoy living up north (to those of you in Canada or Alaska- kudos to you!). I joke with my friends the Minnesota seasons are: Winter, Winter, STILL Winter, and Road Construction. When it's not snowing and freezing cold, we have tornadoes, floods, wildfires, droughts, and nasty wind. During the winter the ditches are plagued with cars and drivers wondering 'wtf just happened, mate?'. Nobody wants to spend more than 10 seconds outdoors unless doing something fun or useful.

But then, I suppose most of us complain about our locations. I know friends down south who would love some snow and cold. I know friends up north who think we have it easy. And in the end, I still live here nonetheless. So I decided to come up with a list of why I love Minnesota.

In the winter- snuggles with hot chocolate (and marshmellows) by the campfire, skiing, throwing snowballs at your friends, watching people fall on their butts in the ice and laughing, ice skating, the enjoyment of driving to a destination without dying, the first snowfall, the way the Christmas lights sparkle in the glow of the freshly fallen snow

In the spring: Watching all the buds on the trees turn to full blown leaves, the sheer smell of spring, the final snow melting away as messy wetness, lilacs, watching everything turn to green almost instantly, the days growing longer, the first 60 degree day, the first over 32 degree night

In the summer: watching the peace settle over the sunset, the unpredictable weather, the beautiful storms, driving down the road with the windows down and the breeze to cool you, ice creams at the outdoor Dairy Queen, swatting the mosquitoes before they bite the living crap out of you, biking down the trails, playing outside with bare feet, flip flop tans, getting to wear shorts

In the fall: the brilliance of the reds in the changing trees, lingering last walks in the evening before it turns too cold, the first snowdrops flittering from the sky, the crisp color of blue on a sunny day, stomping through the leaves on the sidewalk

Hard to believe that I love you, Minnesota.

Strained Relationships (with flu on the side)

2010-11-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

My last post is about being sick... and a few days later, I'm sick again! Aren't I just so lucky! I went to bed yesterday with a sore throat, and 24 hours later I have a fever, bad headache, chills... apparently I can't seem to catch a break. I'm hoping some more rest will do me well. I apologize if any of what I say sounds feverishly delirious, for I know not what I'm saying.

I am part of another really awesome forum about Myers Briggs (which I still have to do a post about) called Personality Cafe. I wrote a long rant/question/frustration about how my dad and I fight constantly and posted it. My dad and I are polar opposites when it comes to personality. Here is an example of what I wrote:

"... The housework issue is just god awful. I've gotten better about keeping most of the house clean, but with my bedroom/bathroom I really don't care. It is nothing against him whatsoever, but for me to clean is just not my nature. I don't think about putting something away after I've used it. I toss my clothes on the floor. My junk litters the bathroom counter. Keep in mind, we do not share a bathroom. So, unpredictable him says nothing half the time, and the other half he has these temper tantrums. He screams at me and orders to listen to his barking. He says if I don't clean or do xyz, he'll throw away my stuff. If I go into my room and lock my door, he screams loud and threatens me. He thinks everything I do (or don't do) is to piss him off. He thinks I don't clean my room to purposely piss him off. I just don't think about it!

I also feels like he values his 'stuff' more than me. If I break something or something gets messed up in the house and I can't provide a logical explanation of how it exactly happened, I get yelled at. For example, the sprayer on the sink got stuck one morning while I was making coffee. While trying to unstick it, it popped off. No big deal. I immediately called him and let him know so he wouldn't come home to a broken sink. He says it's fine. That night, he gets on my case about how it 'really' broke. He said he was sick of my friends messing around with his shit and breaking everything. Um, I was the one who caused it to pop off. I am not aware of doing anything unusual to the sprayer..."

Pardon the language, I was really frustrated when I posted part of this message. I know not all of you agree with your parents, in fact, I'm sure some of you have strained relationships with them. When they have too high of expectations, or try to control you, how do you handle it?

My experiment, in the mean time, is to read the books Safe People and Codependent No More (was suggested to me by another member, luckily I already had both of those books). Once I'm better, I will do a review on the books and tell you how reading them affected my relationship with my dad.

If you want to read the whole post, check it out right here!!!!

My darn luck!

2010-11-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

So, I thought you'd get a laugh out of something... weird, amusing, funny... that happened today.

I finished my blog post this morning after hopping out of the shower. I was actually feeling fairly productive, for I woke up at 9am and had to be at work by 11. A shower, breakfast, and a blog post in an hour and 45 minutes [15 minute drive to work].

So, today was day 3 in the jewelry section. I've been at my store now for about three months. I normally work in juniors/special sizes but they asked me to take a holiday position in the fine jewelry area. So I started a week ago from Sunday. It was actually very interesting learning about the different types of metals and stones... and fascinating to see how people can pay more than $2500 for a tiny piece of jewelry.

[If I had $2500, this is what I would rather spend it on: rent to move out of the house, a new laptop, savings for a car, savings for my road trip next April]

I had five days off between my next shift, which honestly felt like pure torture. On the plus side, it helped me get back to writing on here! I went in for shift number 2 on Saturday, this time with more people to help guide me. After a few hours, I noticed I was getting some splotchy, itchy red spots on my fingers and hands. They were uncomfortable and felt a bit raw, but I thought nothing of it.

So, I had a few days to forget about the incident when I go in this morning for shift number 3. After about 15 minutes I began to break out again. One of the ladies who saw me break out Saturday got concerned, so I decided to test the allergy. I took an earring and held it to my left wrist. Within about 60 seconds I broke out again.

It didn't take long before things just got worse. I immediately started feeling bad, extremely dizzy, nauseous, cold, shaky... my coworker called a manager. She got to me immediately and said we had to go to HR to fill an incident report. Now, my store is two levels. We went on the escalator and about halfway up I immediately get very dizzy and nauseous. I nearly pass out! I actually had to sit down for a bit before I could finish getting to the office.

We file the report, I have to call the Macy's nurseline, and the manager's determine that I cannot work in fine jewelry. So, I will find out tomorrow where I will end up for the holidays.

I was hoping I could keep working, but I was feeling pretty nasty after lying down in the employee lounge couch for an hour. I decided to go home.

I've been feeling on and off bad for the remainder of the day. I've seen my temp get as high as about 100, but mostly hovering in the high 98's. I'm wondering if I've got a bug on top of the reaction, or if this is reaction related. Anybody have any ideas? Mainly it's just a headache and stomachache.

So I finished school and now I'm just chilling. Lots to figure out in the next few weeks!

Have a terrific night!

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

2010-11-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

I will warn you, I may not be writing as much over the next month or so. Retail is absolutely insane during the holidays. I also doubled up on my classes, so I have twice as much schoolwork (on average, I do one paper or project a week- sometimes more!). So I plan on writing, but maybe not as frequently as I'd prefer. Break starts December 20. I look forward to having two weeks off (with my school schedule, the only break they offer is two weeks in Christmas. Otherwise I'm going all year unless I request a week off). Pray with me that I can get a good schedule going and that I don't feel too overwhelmed.

I have to admit, I'm pretty pleased with the reactions to my last post. I have learned that if you don't judge others, they tend not to judge you.

Jesus says you should love your enemies, but unfortunately you still aren't going to like everybody that comes your way. Some people are overbearing, talk incessantly about topics that bore you to death, they stalk you, etc... God has presented me with an interesting challenge. The last few months I have been settling in a nice comfort zone, but God often wants you to get out of your comfort zone and do things for Him.

Last night, the challenge arose.

I mentioned I am part of a recovery group Monday nights (I also do bible studies that night as well). I get there at 4:30pm to do a practice for worship band, then 5pm is my study. 6pm we have a group dinner, and 7pm we have a large group where the worship band performs. I came down with a nasty headache last night right before supper. I assume it came from the little amounts of sleep from the nights before, and sleeping funny also put a lot of extra tension on my neck. Practice had gone well, but when I get my headaches one of the problems I face when singing is that all the instrumentals/vocals around me get separated and I don't perform as well. I got up on stage and I already felt a little stressed because of this.

Right as we started the first song, I looked out into the audience. And I saw him.

I have known him for many years. In fact, I was probably about five or six when I met him. It was in a kid's group at my aunt's church. There were a variety of kids in the group and he was in it. He is a few years older than me. I remember not liking him very much, for I thought he was a bit abrasive. He was nice enough, it wasn't like he was pushing me around or barking orders at me, but I just didn't know how to handle him. It wasn't too long before I was in foster care and that church became history.

God definitely seems to have a plan. He popped up in my life again the summer before ninth grade. My parents placed me in a summer volunteer group called Summer of Service (better known in my area as SOS). The kids in group varied from six grade through tenth, and every weekday for two weeks we went out in the community and did volunteer work. He was in my group. I remember he was very annoying. He was in tenth grade and he had a crush on one of the seventh grade girls. He would pester her incessantly and the rest of the group (including me) took a severe disliking to his antics. He would take popular songs on the radio and make up these really bizarre lyrics (to the point where it actually ruined a number of songs I had really liked). He was also very overweight, so he got picked on a lot by some of the boys. Once again, the two weeks came and went, and he was out of my life.

His name popped up every now and then in conversation, for he knew my birth family in the area and apparently would mention me to them. Said family would repeat messages for me. This didn't happen very often, but I just ignored them. I really didn't care.

Ok, I have to cut out of the story for a bit of a precursor. I decided about a month ago I really would like to be a leader in the recovery group. A lot of my recovery took place outside of the group so I am catching up on a lot of the principles. I figure this is a good idea because of two reasons: One, if I struggle again, I have additional principles to work with. Two, that way I am familiarized enough with the program so I can be an efficient leader. A lot of the people who attend the support group have chemical dependency, an issue I never really faced. If I become a leader, I intend to help those with codependency, depression, and anxiety. If I am to be a leader, I have to get to know everybody and treat everybody in the group with love and respect.

Cue back to story. A few days ago, I noticed his name on one of my friend's Facebook page (one from recovery group, actually). I glanced at his page, and then went on.

There had to be a reason for that, apparently...

So here I am, on stage with a nasty headache. Anxious because I know my performance will suck. And I see him. I am TOTALLY not prepared for that. When I get headaches, sometimes I do not act as rationally as I would prefer too. I pretty much avoided his gaze (he was looking right at me) and just tried to perform decently. After the first set, I ran back into the sound booth where my boyfriend was. I told him my headache was too bad so I decided to go back to his house and rest for a bit. I told him briefly I ran into somebody I wasn't fond with and that it upset me, but I didn't go into details.

This whole issue is on my mind now. I want to be a good leader, and I realize that as a leader I have to put my frustrations with others aside. I need to promote love and support to everybody, no matter what I do. I can't 'ignore' him or 'avoid' him like I would prefer to do. I have been praying about it.

I can't guarantee he will be back again, as I said, this is the first time I've ever seen him at group. He may have just come to see what the group is. He may never show up again. The thing is, I really need to sit down and think about how I can be a good leader. I can't let prejudice get in my way. I hope to find some bible verses to help me overcome this hurdle.

So, I need some advice. What do I do? [yes, that is a heavy question]. I really don't know. I have a high annoyance tolerance [for Pete's sake, I can be outrageously annoying too. But I try to control it and be serious most of the time]. But when somebody gets under my skin, it really gets to me. How can I get out of my comfort zone and handle anybody like this in a good manner?

Curly-Haired Confession #4- You aren't going to like everybody you meet. However, you should still be considerate and respectful. If they talk to you, listen and offer support. If they do something that interferes with your value system, you need to inform them nicely and do not get involved. Annoyance and harassment are two different issues. If they just annoy you, find a way to deal with it.

Have a nice Tuesday, everybody! :)

Oh and a shout out to the bf: Happy seven month anniversary! I love you lots!!!!

Judging

2010-11-14T18:10:00.000-08:00

I'm such a procrastinator :P I should totally be working on school but I'm more in a writing in my blog mood over a writing a paper on my nutritional outtake or writing answers to my lifespan development worksheet mood. For some reason though, I don't think you mind (I certainly don't!).

As you see, I'm a member of 20sb [aka 20-something-bloggers] (it's a fun little community!) and you should check them out here. They cover a variety of topics that any 20-something has on their mind or deals with in life, in a forum setting of course! Some of the topics are kinda light and fun, while others are more serious.

I'll actually have to write a review at some point, but a few of the topics on there have been floating around my brain.

One of the guys [prefer not to provide names] writes very thought provoking forum posts, especially related to hate, judging, etc. The most recent post I replied was titled 'My religion is better than your religion.'

Ooooh, this one I have a lot of thoughts on!

What baffles me BEYOND belief is how so many denominations of Christianity insist they way they do things is right, and how others, well, do not. Um, what? God Almighty and Jesus Christ are the only ones who do things right. As for everything else, humans interpret the bible and/or other religious factors differently from everybody else. Humans are not perfect, nor do we know everything. [We like to think we do, however].

I can't provide you all the answers about Christianity, but I would just like to give you something to think about. Who are we to judge one another? Who are we to judge another's denomination? Who are we to judge our own? He will judge us when the time comes, and only His judgments are correct. I am not saying that what everybody does is correct, for the law does specifically tell us what we should and should not be doing. I gratefully accept Christian assistance, especially if I am straying from the truth. And a true Christian cannot be idle either; I am called to spread His word and His love to those who stray and those who do not believe. My goal is to do what His law expects of me.

We all sin on a consistent basis. We all know His laws, to an excruciating amount. The bible is full of them. The more we learn how many we must follow, the more we realize we aren't! "For no one can ever be made right in God's sight by doing what his law commands. For the more we know God's law, the clearer it becomes that we aren't obeying it." Romans 3:20. Jesus Christ has freed us from our sins by dying on the cross for us, and we should be eternally grateful.

I have no right to judge you for what you are, or are not doing. I am not perfect. I sin on a regular basis, and I wholeheartedly admit that. Because Jesus died for my sins, I do not consider this as a pass for my sin to be acceptable by any means. I am accountable for my own actions in the very end.

Therefore my challenge for you is when somebody says something that you blatantly think is wrong, re-evaluate. "And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye, when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye." Matthew 7:3-5. Change what you are doing wrong before you help another change their transgressions.

Curly-Haired Confession #3: I am NOT perfect. I sin on a daily basis, no matter how much I love Him and His law. My life is bound by sin. Before I focus on what other people are doing wrong, I need to fix my own wrongdoings.

The story of the adulterous woman in John 8 always comes to mind. Not necessarily about the woman, but the something that Jesus said we should apply before we condemn others.

"Let those who have never sinned cast the first stone." Matthew 8:(part of verse)7.

Dear Jesus, I am a sinner. I am ashamed of those things I do on a regular basis that go against what you expect of me. I humbly repent and you know my heart, that I would rather do anything before sinning against You and Your Word. I know other people sin, but I have no right to say I am better than they are. Give me the strength to help guide them to You instead of judging or gloating, and also to guide me into fixing my own transgressions. In Your name, Amen.

Different

2010-11-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I always felt out of place with most of the people around me. Especially with those in my own age group. I had a few select friends who teased me because, while easy to read, I was hard to understand. Most of my friends were older or younger than I was, and for the most part I was perfectly fine with that.

I was in the car the other day with my boyfriend. I was feeling mildly upset because a friend of his invited him to go out of town to visit for some sort of event. I wasn't upset because I was worried he would do something that would upset me. I was upset because I can probably count on one hand the number of times somebody invited me (specifically me, that is) to an event. I opened up to him slowly, because I didn't want him to think I was upset at him (I wasn't).

I started rambling (because my thoughts are never organized... generally as I ramble I stumble upon whatever bothers me) to him that when we would go out to places, people would always show interest in talking to him. I told him that people might say hello to me, but that was generally the extent of conversation. It was brought up that generally when he spoke to other people, it was about what he was doing (he defines himself by what he does), generally about cars or work. What I am most passionate about is people. Sadly, most people don't find talking about personality and psychological theories for multiple hours interesting enough.

I realized that for the most part, I don't think like most people. ESPECIALLY people in my age group. The guys talk about partying, football, and what they find attractive in women (generally pretty shallow). The girls talk about fashion, mind-numbing TV shows, partying, and other things I find a bit on the shallow, boring side. Most of what they say, do, and think is influenced by their friends or the media. I don't do that. I do what I like.

Now, I'm not saying what most girls do is bad. I just can't relate to them. Same with guys, too. I have always found comfort in those who stray farthest from the norm. This is one of the reasons I love my boyfriend: he isn't like most guys, especially in our age group. He has his own interests and does not allow anybody else to control his likes or dislikes. Plus he is very passionate about his hobbies. For the most part, we think on the same page (with minor differences here and there).

I just have to remember I can't be bothered by the fact I am different. I love being different! I just wish I was an introvert because then I would be ok about doing things on my own most of the time. I'm an extravert, so I thrive around people. It just doesn't quite 'match' with my eccentric personality. For now, I just need to reach out to others and be a good friend to all. Just need a little more practice!

Curly-Haired Confession #2: Never be ashamed of who you are. God made you to be special in his eyes.

(Me and my uniqueness... I dressed up as Perry the Platypus for Halloween!)

Curly-Haired Confession #1

2010-11-11T20:25:00.001-08:00

Since you last heard from me (in July)....

-I got a new job
-I got my ham radio license (KD0MOE!)
-I joined a gym
-I've lost six pounds and four percent body fat
-I've joined (TWO) worship band
-I started a bible study
-I got my first drum lesson
-I gained a new obsession
-I successfully painted my toenails for the first time
-I watched my best friend from high school get married
-I got my first AA on expert mode in DDR
-I doubled up on my classes for school
-I began the process of grad school hunting
-I'm planning a fundraiser
-I have more friends

In the last four months or so, there have been a number of changes. Maybe it is because I have been going to college at home, or because the last few years of my life have not followed the 'norm' of my age group... but I am beginning to realize that my life is in a period of great change (as is anybody my age).

As I continue to lift out of my depression, I also am more capable of holding my own and initiating my own agenda. It scares me to even wonder about where I will be next November, because I know it will not be where I am now. But the coolest part is feeling confident that in the long run, I will end up ok. I know there are plenty of people in the world who love me and support me. I know I can make smart, rational decisions and be a good adult.

Curly-Haired Confession #1: Change is inevitable, no matter what.

Therefore, I will embrace my changes head on. It may never be graceful, and it may never be pretty, but I'm not going to hide in fear that the worst will always happen. Change may bring the bad, but it certainly brings out the good, too. I will support others when they need guidance during change. I will seek help when change overwhelms me. I will remember that I can get through anything. I have gotten through a lot already, and because I did that, nothing can hold me back now.

Make a Difference

2010-11-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

In the last few months, I have thought LONG and HARD about the kind of person I aspire to be. I try to think… what am I good at? What defines me? What can I use to benefit other people?

I began a bit of a list… I am good with music, singing, writing, being a people-person, selling items, having LOTS of energy, reading, DDR, and being myself. Alright, so I have a random list of things I’m good at. So where does that bring me? Must think more!!!!

And then, it hit me! I figure if that last question is important to the type of person I want to be, I want to help others. I want to use my God-given talents to benefit other people, in any way possible. I talked to some friends for a while about what sort of things I could do to make a difference for others.

Finding a cause to work with was a bit difficult, because there are SO many problems in the world. It is nearly impossible to work for every single one. I wish at one point to be a Christian motivational speaker for teenagers, but I have a lot to figure out before I can start. I will call that a ‘long-term goal’. However, one problem that is dear to my heart is Mitochondrial Disease. I follow a few blogs about families who have a member (generally a young child) that suffers from the disease. If you do some research, it is absolutely heartbreaking. In very young children, it is often fatal. There is no cure.

I found UMDF soon after, which is the United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation. They have an option to donate, but I don’t really have a lot of money to spare because I only work part time. Trying to save on top of my bills is a bit tricky, but it’s important. There was a link there regarding hosting a fundraiser, so I looked through the different ideas for fundraising activities. Because of my love for DDR (Dance Dance Revolution), I thought hosting a video game tournament would be really awesome. I got a lot of friends to support the idea and actually add a few other things that would make for a successful fundraiser.

So my hope is to get a Mitochondrial Disease Research fundraiser going in my area. There are still a ton of details to work out, but I submitted a form to UMDF and had a representative contact me. I am waiting for a chance to get to speak with her over the phone. I want these kids to have a cure someday so they don’t have to suffer. I will update you on how the process is going!

Update :)

2010-11-03T08:17:00.001-07:00

Wow, I let life get in the way and nearly four months pass without writing a single thing. I did warn you that I’m not terribly good with continually writing. I’m getting a bit better with keeping a consistent schedule, including (trying) to get up at 8am and actually make my day somewhat productive. That isn’t always easy. Now if I can master a consistent bedtime (or at least before midnight, regardless of the time!)… It’s a work in progress.

I actually haven’t stopped writing completely, but I keep a personal journal now. I figure now that I have a place to store my most personal and (extremely) detailed information, maybe I will feel less compelled to write about it here. I know I felt a struggle with my writing, because after a point in time, it just felt so superficial. I hope you can be patient with me as I try to figure out who I am and what I am passionate about within my writings.

I have done a lot of moving forward with my life, so that is good at least. I finally got fed up with my poor hours at my previous job and went job hunting in August. I was VERY fortunate and accepted a position within a few weeks. I was able to quit both the jobs I held over the summer due to the hours I picked up at my new job. I work at a national retail (mainly clothing) chain that specializes, as my manager put it, in ‘affordable’ luxury items. They care a lot more about pleasing the customer and making sure the employees are happy. I finally don’t have to worry about catty coworkers, incompetent managers, and a poor work environment. I have made friends…. GIRL friends… MY AGE!!!!!!! It is so nice to have girls to text and chat with at work! My managers are impressed with my performance and their kind words really help me thrive. In fact, after only being there a couple of months, I accepted a holiday position working in the fine jewelry department. I know they only ask a few employees to take the position, so I feel honored that they asked me. Currently I work in juniors and special sizes (petites, plus sizes). I will be going back to the department again after the holidays. Also- the incentives ROCK! The managers reward you greatly for doing a good job. Makes working so fun!

I can’t remember the exact dates, but right around the time of my last post I joined a Christian Recovery group. I am now participating in a bible study of sorts; using the Bible, prayer, and reflection to help me deal with my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I am the background vocalist for the band at the large group session of the meeting. I also am now a background vocalist for the main church as well, performing 1-2 times a month. I have a strong passion to sing harmony, and it is really fun to get to experiment with chords playing against the melody. Most of my ‘work’ is impromptu- basically I learn the songs in practice, make up harmony, and master what I make up. It is a LOT of fun!

Boyfriend and I are still together; we just celebrated our six month anniversary in the middle of October. He has been a wonderful support and I am so appreciative to have him in my life. I was making progress before he came along, however his friendship has been a very strong influence to help me continue making good decisions. His family has welcomed me in like one of their own, which is really nice because I have not had much of a ‘normal’ family setting growing up.

Because of all my progress, I am happy (maybe a little sad, too) to announce that my therapy is coming to a close in December. It has been once a month since about July, but I continue to do well and deal with my emotional problems with strength, grace, and maturity (well, at least more than before…). I have been taken off my meds and I’m still staying strong! Life certainly isn’t easy by any means, but I have a lot more to work with when I am feeling down.

I’m feeling a lot more fit too! In August, I decided that I was starting to weigh a bit too much and that I needed to start working out on a more consistent basis and eat better. I joined a gym in my town that is fairly inexpensive and starting going a bit more frequently. I also purchased Dance Dance Revolution, the amazing work-out video game experience that I believe helped me drop nearly 40 pounds in my senior year of high school. I have only lost about three pounds overall since August, but I’ve lost a number of inches off various parts of my body and feel great! I still have a bit more work to do, but it’s nice to feel better about my body!

School is also a bit better. I am finally back to getting A’s and am hoping to double up on my classes starting next week. It would be nice to graduate by summer so I can get started with my ‘adult’ life (which includes MORE school!!!).

Anyways, so there’s the update. I will write again soon about something REALLY awesome that I’m planning. And other things, too :).

!!!!

2010-11-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

Intend to write tomorrow! I am alive and well. Lots have been happening since I last wrote and I need to get back into this... However it is 1am, I am EXHAUSTED, and I have work tomorrow (Oh, I have a new job too! :D). Have a good night!!!

On Growing Up

2010-07-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, life is just hard.

Sometimes, you just have to deal with it and move on.

It’s not always dealing with life that comes easy, however. Often it takes training and praying and working to make life worthwhile. I have been in therapy for over a year and a half; sorting through my past, learning how to make better decisions, finding better influences, and working through the depression are all things I’ve had to learn over the course of being with my therapist.

While I feel so proud and strong that I have finally graduated to once a month therapy (in my mind, I hear WOOOHOOO I NEVER THOUGHT I’D MAKE IT TO THIS POINT!!!), I feel really anxious about it too. All the changes that will be starting to take place, well, now I have to learn how to deal with them… on my own. Right now, medications help guide and clear my unhealthy thoughts, but within the next year those will likely be taken away as well.

It’s just me.

Only me.

Nobody else can fix my problems, nobody else can run my life, and nobody else can make my decisions.

It’s hard to believe where I stood not even two years ago: helpless, craving love and attention, seeing the world in black and white, harming my body, worrying my friends and family, shunning happiness, wishing for death.

And where I am now: loved, talented, happy-go-lucky, fortunate, blessed, wholesome, open to the world, street smart, intelligent, playful.

There are still areas I need to improve on: responsibility, financial security, hard-worker, focused.

This whole journey, as my therapist has pointed out, is basically growing up. I just got a late start due to family problems, my past, and other negative things. When I turned 18, I didn’t understand what my peers were going through. They were anxious because they realized they had to grow up and start doing things on their own. I was still acting like a child and making childish decisions.

While I feel better, and the depression is gone, the emptiness still consumes me sometimes. Worrying about the future keeps me busy, trying to plan grad school, realizing that I will eventually start a family, my career. Sometimes I just want to go back to that child I was and let other people control me, just so I don’t have to do it.

Growing up sucks.

Well, at least at this portion. I know if I keep my head up straight, make good and healthy decisions, and don’t let depression and anxiety consume me, the rewards will be great. Nobody feels wonderful all the time, and it’s normal to feel unsure at times. I might feel scared, but it’s not the end of the world. PEOPLE GROW UP ALL THE TIME!!! And they live!

It’s really nice to truly believe that I’m gonna be ok. And so can anybody else, if they put the right kind of time and effort to make sure they can get through the rough times to. Cause the rough times always happen. For better, for worse, it’s always best to be prepared.

On the plus side, what I’ve had to go through for life and therapy will be great material to work with as a therapist!

Oh as a quick side note, what do you think of the video blog? Are there any topics you’d like me to cover on one? I think I’m going to actually write a script and talk about some sort of topic for my next one!

My Live Video Podcast Channel

2010-07-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

I Really Am Bad At This

2010-07-08T09:51:00.001-07:00

Hi all!

Sometimes, I feel a lot of difficulty because I don't appear to have the ability to keep up with a hobby for more than a few weeks before I feel like I'm flitting back to another one. Not that I really have one right now that's taking over my life (though I have been making some jewelry in the last few weeks, and that's been fun!), but I am not exactly the most focused person in the world. It also doesn't help that I find nearly every hobby and interest fascinating in some way. I suppose I can't get down on myself too much, because I still am writing, but I suppose that is my slight vent for the post.

I suppose I'm not terribly sure what to write about. I'm on my laptop, so I don't have my lovely list of blog topics readily available! However, one is a bit on my heart today. My boyfriend has a wondering sister who just visited from her state this last week. You actually can check out her blog right here (I got her started with one!). She lives fairly far away, but we met one of the first times I hung out with my boyfriend and we became friends over Facebook. While I have become close with all the members of his family, she has become especially close. We are able to talk about anything and everything together. We help each other with problems, school, and other things that fill our life.

Yes, the distance sucks. I spent at least a part of most of the days she was visiting here. Obviously we were just as close as we were online. We made each other laugh, we talked about life, and we got to share a few hugs. We joke a lot too, because we share the same name. I know it sounds really lame, but when the girlfriend and the sister/daughter of the family share the same name, it can get REALLY confusing. ESPECIALLY when 98% of the time, I'm the only one in the household regularly now who is called by that. Last night at Dairy Queen, we were talking to my boyfriend on the phone (through walkie-talkies; you will be getting a post on my new phone once I have a little more time to play and get adjusted to it!). She was informing him that we were hanging out together, and she said 'Oh, and this is ---!!!' I took a look at her and we cracked up realizing that my boyfriend could have thought it was either one of us.

The main point of this post, I suppose, is to not let distance separate you from being close to the ones you hold dear. We have so many forms of technology that we can take advantage of! We have email and cellphones at the most basic. Facebook, instant messaging, and Skype are a little more intricate, but they are just more ways we can keep in touch. If you don't have technology, write a letter or send a care package (yes, snail mail still exists!). I have become closer to her primarily through technology, and it hasn't negatively affected our friendship in any way.

When I went off to college, I lost touch with many of my high school friends. I sometimes kick myself to this day because I did not go out of my way to keep in touch with them. I let distance become my excuse. It's difficult now to make up for that. My best friend from high school just got married last weekend. I love her like crazy, but it's difficult because I feel like I lost her. I could have done a better job of keeping up to date with her, but I didn't. It's really not hard to call somebody or send a message!

Anyways, to my friend, I hope you had a safe trip back and I look forward to our next visit... whenever it happens!

And my fellow bloggers/readers, I have a special treat! Because of my new phone... I CAN DO VIDEO PODCASTS!!!! So enjoy them as I start doing them more :).

Mend

2010-06-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, so we had our first assignment this week! We were told to take a visual image and use our imaginations. I decided to write a short story on this photo:

If the image is too small, check out the URL here: My Guy

Anyways, tell me what you think of my first short story.

Mend

Kiryn looked out the window of her mother’s car, briefly staring at hundreds of trees rushing by. Her mother was busy driving and talking on her cellphone. She knew her mother was a lawyer and that she was very busy most of the time. Luckily, Kiryn was used to spending large amounts of time alone. Most six-year-olds would be bored out of their skulls, but she knew how to keep herself entertained.

“Kiryn?” Her mother called, pulling the cell phone off her ear briefly, “Do you need to stop for the bathroom? There’s a rest stop a few miles off the road.”

“I’m alright. Thanks Abby.” Kiryn mumbled while pressing the buttons on her Leap Frog portable gaming system. Kiryn had a strange relationship with her mother, more like the relationship between a child and an adult mentor. Her mother cared about her immensely, but work consumed most of her time and could not provide enough attention to her daughter regularly. Kiryn started calling her mother by her first name early last year, when Kiryn realized that she could not always gain her mother’s attention unless using her name directly.

“Ok then, sweetie. We should be there in an hour or so.” Her mother quickly resumed her conversation with a client. Kiryn rolled her eyes slightly in humor. She was aware her mother worked outrageously long hours to make sure they lived comfortably. She was appreciative, albeit a bit lonely. Kiryn resumed playing on her Leap Frog until the car stopped at a little red house out in the country. Large portions of field covered the land, with a cluster of trees scattered in the distance. She shoved her game into her kitten backpack and stepped out of the car.

The strong scent of lilacs filled her nose as her and her mother walked slowly up the steps and onto the white porch. Kiryn began to feel a slight weight in her stomach build as her mother rang the doorbell. It had been six months since Carson moved away to Pennsylvania. She snapped out of thought as a woman she didn’t recognize answered the door.

“Oh, you must be the Lyle’s!” The woman expressed joyfully. “It’s Abby, correct?” She asked while shaking her hand.

“Yes,” She nodded, “And you’re Elizabeth, Jak’s new wife? You’ve been married for four months now, is that right?”

“Five months tomorrow,” She corrected while leading the tired mother and daughter into the front area of the home. Elizabeth turned around and knelt down to Kiryn’s level. “Well hello there, dear! Carson has been looking so very forward to your visit. He has been talking about it for the last week straight! You guys can play, and read, and…”

Elizabeth’s voice faded away as Kiryn remembered the last time she saw Carson. He moved away nearly six months ago, with Carson’s dad going to remarry. That day was a slightly painful one, as Carson was the only child Kiryn could connect with. His mother died when he was three and her father died when she was four, both victims of pancreatic cancer. The families met at a support group soon after Kiryn’s father was diagnosed.

Carson and Kiryn understood the pain it felt to watch a parent suffer through the terrible illness. Both were unusually quiet and intelligent because of circumstances and it made it difficult for both to make friends with other children. They carried the same grave expressions most of the time, but shy smiles and mutual understanding of one another led to an unbreakable bond.

Luckily both her mother and Carson’s father realized it wasn’t fair to separate the children permanently and scheduled visits twice a year. This was the first scheduled visit.

“Hi Kiryn,” A soft voice carried through the room. She smiled as she saw Carson at the doorway leading to the kitchen. “Come on, I want to show you something.” He smiled as he took her hand and led her up the carpeted stairs. He led her into a room filled with racecars and pictures of him and his deceased mother. Kiryn assumed it was his room. He let go of her hand and picked up a little book made out of computer paper stapled together.

“This is for you.” He proudly handed her the book. On the cover it said ‘For Kiryn’, written in messy little boy handwriting. “The pictures inside are all the things I wanted to show you while I’ve been gone.”

Kiryn flipped through the book. She recognized a poorly drawn picture of the Statue of Liberty, and the Cinderella castle at Disney World.

“This is really cool!” She quietly exclaimed.

“Turn to the last page.” Carson urged softly. She turned to the last part. He had drawn a dirt road leading to many pretty trees and a creek. There were flowers and animals scattered throughout the drawing. The picture stood out from the others, more careful and thought out.

“Where is this?” She wondered. He smiled bashfully at her question.

“I can show you. But we have to be quiet. My step mom doesn’t like me going to it alone.” They tiptoed down the white, plush stairs. Abby was talking to Elizabeth in the kitchen, both sipping cappuccinos and filling each other in on what the children have been doing. They walked silently out the front door, where Carson proceeded to lead Kiryn to a clearing in the fields. The clearing slowly turned into a dirt road, leading into the trees Kiryn spotted when she got out of the car.

“You mean this place is here?” She asked in astonishment.

He nodded. “Just a few more minutes and we’ll be there.” The path led into the trees, where Kiryn saw flowers spotting the ground. Butterflies, bees, and dragonflies flew freely around the forest. Within moments, the creek came into view.

Kiryn gasped. “This is beautiful!”

Carson motioned to a large rock next to the creek. Sun was peeking through the leaves and left a picturesque glow through the area. They both climbed up on the rock covered in moss. Kiryn looked around a bit, then noticed Carson was staring at her. She blushed.

“I sort of have something else for you. I was watching a movie and a guy gave this to a girl.” He pulled out a necklace from his pocket. It was a simple chain, and there was a key on it. He looked away shyly as he handed it to her. “This is the key to my heart. I wanted you to have it.”

“I really like it.” She pulled the necklace over her head. “It’s pretty. So, tell me everything. What has happened since you moved here?”

They carried on conversation about life for over an hour. They talked about their parents, how they missed seeing one another, and school. The sun was beginning to lower through the trees, and the temperature dropped a few degrees. Kiryn started to shiver. She was only wearing a simple dress, exposing her arms and most of her legs.

“We should go back. It’s probably around time for supper. Did I tell you we are going to Hershey Park tomorrow?” He inquired.

“No. That sounds fun.” She paused for a moment, and then grabbed his arm before he started to climb off from the rock. She stared into his eyes intensely, carefully examining his beautiful face. Carson’s dark blue eyes and his long, thick eyelashes made him look like he was six, but the expression on his face made him appear somewhat older. She understood why. Kiryn leaned forward and kissed his pale pink lips briefly; expressing her feelings in the only way she could think of. Eloquent words of expression were years away from her vocabulary. She leaned back and saw a look of surprise wash over his face. He then leaned forward and kissed her back.

“I love you,” She murmured as he pulled back.

“Me too,” He beamed. “Come on; let’s go back before my step mom sees that we left. We don’t want to get in trouble.” He guided her off the rock and they began to walk down the dirt path back to the house. He put his arm around her as she shivered again, and she curled her arm around his torso in reply. They walked back to the red house quietly and happily.

What?!? You mean I actually have to DO it?!?!?

2010-06-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

My evil course is finally over with! Apparently I wasn’t the only one struggling, however, I faired better than a majority of my classmates. Two of my team members actually disclosed they were failing and would have to retake the class. I know at least six or seven others dropped around week 3 and week 4. The worst grade I’ll get is a C+, so I suppose I really don’t have the right to complain. It might not be my best grade, but I’m glad I passed and I know I did my best.

Now I’m taking a Creative Writing class. Just started today, actually. I will be writing a lot of short stories, and I will most certainly share them with you all! I hope you like something a little different than my non-fiction blog entries, you know?

AND… On the plus side, I am now mobile for blogging! I just got my laptop repaired and it runs BEAUTIFULLY! Thank God for wonderful people that are willing to help a poor college student get her laptop fixed. Had I sent my laptop to Apple, I bet it would have cost me about $100 alone for diagnostics. Oy!

Now, back to this daily scheduled blog entry. Actually, with how busy I’ve been, it seems more bi-weekly, but that will change!

I’m sure a lot of you guys can empathize with me on being extremely disorganized. Might actually be one of the reasons I’m not good at keeping things up on a regular basis. When I do anything involving minor responsibility, like cleaning my room or doing my homework on a regular basis, I struggle. They occur when the inspiration, or the due date, comes around. I know it’s not a good thing to do at all.

What frustrates me most is that I know I’m not disorganized because I’m intending to be malicious. My dad and I have set many agreements stating that I need to keep my room clean, but I always break them. Naturally, he thinks I’m doing this as an act of rebellion. However, I’m really not. I just don’t think about cleaning. I see a little mess, and I think ‘It’s really no big deal’.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not super careless. I do have breaking points for cleaning and getting things done. I remember some of my friends from childhood, their rooms were literally COVERED in toys and gunk. You could not even see the floor! While my floor may be somewhat cluttered, you can still see it. I do not let it smell bad, either. When there is a due date for a major assignment coming up, I will work on it. I am not one of those people who can just clean up a mess as soon as I make it, or start working on a project little bits at a time for numerous weeks. My projects get done all at once.

In the mean time, I’m just trying to make any progress that I can. I have a calendar to track my activities and homework due dates. It helps me remember my commitments and stick to them more thoroughly. With cleaning, I’m just trying to not let the messes get so large before I clean them up. I suppose I would rather clean for only 15 minutes versus two hours. I’m aiming to start projects when they are assigned to me instead of doing it the day before. There might be special tips or tricks for doing this (if you know of one, you are welcome to disclose to me (: ), but I just have to do it. Like the Nike commercials: Just Do It! There are dozens of things people don’t want to do every day, but they do them anyways. That means I should be able to accomplish the same thing.

Bye bye, I'll catch ya later, anxiety!

2010-06-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

I figured I’d get that last post up so you all didn’t think I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. I kid you not I am so looking forward to Wednesday night through Friday night being OFF from work, and not having a whole lot of school on those days on top of it. I should hopefully get caught up with everybody’s blogs that I’ve been following (and yes, at my last count there were about 30+) and feel good about it!

In the mean time, I just have to write about something. And no, school papers do not count! My last paper was about the central nervous system and the role of nerves and transmitters. This paper I’m working on for the Monday night due date (no, I don’t put things off, nope not me!) is on human sexuality. Oh boy. That should be an engaging paper! I just need to write about something important to me, which compels me to share with you all (of course!).

Just so you know my current class is called Biological Psychology. In the class we examine the different parts of the body (primarily the brain) and learn how they play a role in human behavior. It’s an absolutely fascinating course, however the book is contains too much scientific-speak to understand easily from just reading without lectures to guide on. I’m getting by, and the professor is the most difficult I’ve had to deal with in any of my classes at the University of Phoenix. She definitely keeps me on my toes, which is excellent because I always enjoy a teacher that keeps my wheels turning! Just for a bit of information, I just started at the University of Phoenix last August. I am currently enrolled in my eighth course and for the most part, am getting pretty good grades. Looking forward to my next class that starts on June 22, CREATIVE WRITING!!!!

It’s so crazy that I am doing school so well now. I feel extremely fortunate to be at a position in life where I am positively adjusting to my work, school, and social life. Not even 18 months ago could I claim to be half as effective as I am at the current time. I was pretty much failing school at that time.

Most of my life I have been suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I could not multitask in fear of falling apart, I was a chronic worrywart, and I could not go out in public without fear that every single person who observed me was attacking me in some way, shape, or form. Up until my high school graduation, a lot of my anxiety was repressed. Towards the end of high school I started making a lot of mistakes that negatively impacted my life and my anxiety began to surface. I think it all started about the time I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years and found out I was rejected to the college I had poured years of time and effort into getting into. The more careless I became about my life, the more anxiety crept in through the ever-widening cracks. For the most part, the anxiety controlled every aspect of my life and lead to severe depression.

My carelessness prevented me from thinking through the anxiety when it hit. When I felt nervous in public, I would automatically shut down. When a teacher stressed me out in class, I would break down in class with my classmates observing my every shriek and cry. When I felt a boyfriend was not giving me enough attention, I would do something stupid to make them run back to me and pay attention. The list goes on. I am not proud of these things that I did.

I feel fortunate that even though I was careless, I never felt like I was a failure and that my issues could not be fixed. I wanted, no, NEEDED help. I went through therapy off and on trying to desperately find the solutions to cure the anxiety. I was beyond function. I was sleeping 16+ hours a day, I could not perform well at work, and I couldn’t do any schoolwork so I flunked out of college. I don’t know how those with depression and anxiety just want to stay like that and make no change whatsoever. It’s not that I didn’t want to make the change, I didn’t know how.

So I started some therapy. My first two therapists were nice, but I never really felt much of a connection with them. However, one past therapist stuck out in my mind, and I expressed interest for that therapist to give me counseling (I had met the therapist in family therapy about 14 months prior). He videotaped the first ten sessions. He gave me challenges and things to consider regarding my anxiety. The main message behind every talk was ‘Don’t just react. Think about how you feel, get to the root issue of the problem, and reassess your behavior.’ He never gave me that broad of a message, but as his lessons started sinking it that was the core of all he taught me.

Figuring out what I was really feeling didn’t cure the anxiety, however, when I was able to rationally express my fears and concerns my therapist was able to give me guidance to work through my issues. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy became my best friend. The point of the therapy is to accomplish more accurate thought processes when faced with a problematic thought causing depression and anxiety. These were the steps I followed:

-Writing down an incident that causes me anxiety/depression

-Writing down my initial feeling (this would be the feelings that caused excessive anxiety)

-Rating my moods associated with the feeling

-Listing the reasons that would support my feeling being true

-Listing the reasons that would indicate my feelings being false (with these two steps, you learn how to identify incorrect thinking)

-Rewriting a more rational approach regarding the incident

-Rerating the moods that I feel regarding the more rational thought that I was able to figure out

At first I completed these by filling out charts, especially after my first hospital stay in May of 2009. Whenever something negative occurred, I immediately pulled the chart out and recorded everything. Within a few weeks, I was able to do the process mentally. Before too long, it just became an instant process when faced with an anxious feeling.

And I must note: CBT may not cure the initial sadness or negative feelings, you may still feel them once you’ve reassessed the problem. HOWEVER, it makes it easier to find something else to do that helps the feelings subside. I used to be very insecure in relationships, and CBT has made it possible for my current relationship to be functional and virtually worry-free. Every now and then, something said will make my anxiety begin to rise and I will feel the panic, and even after figuring out the root issue I will still feel a little bad. That’s normal. But the trick for me is not to let the negative feelings overwhelm me entirely.

If you suffer from anxiety, I highly recommend meeting with a professional who specializes in the use of CBT. It never hurts! Another thing I must mention is that the therapist cannot fix you. YOU have to make the EFFORT to make therapy WORK. If you do therapy for anybody but yourself, it will not be nearly as effective. It’s not easy, and it has taken me well over a year with my current therapist to be at the level I am at right now. I also know that if I choose to ‘give up’ and not do the things that help me be functional that I will revert back to where I started out at. If you have anxiety and feel like things are hopeless, they are not! I am living, breathing proof of that!

I'm Alive! I Promise!!

2010-06-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness. I didn't realize what I was getting into with picking up a second job while taking probably the most difficult class I've ever taken. All my free time died! Well, tonight, not so much... so I'm trying to work on a post! I hope you guys didn't think I was neglecting your blogs, but this is the first time in over a week I've been able to jump on Blogger! So hopefully into next week I can get caught back up on everything and the blog. Just to let you know!

Not Me! Monday

2010-05-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I did not lose my pants.

Let me rephrase- I did not lose my pants in my room, when I had just seen them the night before. I did not proceed to spend about 30 minutes digging through my room to find said pants. I had to wear them to work, cause it was going to be a 90 degree day under hot lights.

I did not find them in the laundry room when I went to grab another piece of clothing. I did not remember that dad grabbed all my work pants and threw them in the laundry room.

And this morning, I did not misplace my car keys. I’m not disorganized enough to lose things TWO days in a row! I did not dig through my room AGAIN to find them. I did not cry in frustration. I did not call dad to ask if he had seen them, only for him to tell me that I would not be driving the car that those car keys belonged to. He had that car. I did not remember that the night before he told me that I would have the other car. And I did not spend nearly 45 minutes looking for car keys for a car that I would not be driving.

I did not make my room into a god awful mess. I would never let it get out of control. It is not one of the worst messes I’ve ever had to deal with. There aren’t clothes strewn all over and papers cluttering the floor. I have not tripped at least three times this morning over my crud. While I’m slightly disorganized, I’m not this bad.

I am not panicking over my group project that is supposedly due tonight. I am usually very much in control of all my school projects and don’t wait until the last minute to make sure my group gets it together to get it finished. I will not be up until 1am making sure it is completed. I did not call a coworker to cover half of my shift so I could get more done. I would never sacrifice precious work hours to make sure school is completed.

What have you NOT done this week? Mortified to admit those crazy things you’ve done? Well no worry… you DIDN’T do it! Link over to MckMama’s page this lovely morning and write about what you didn’t do as well. It’s NOT a lot of fun! :-)

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R' Us kid!

2010-05-28T14:47:00.000-07:00

I am not ashamed to admit it, but I consider myself to be more like a big kid than an adult. Not that I have anything against adults acting mature and responsible (even I have to do this every once in a while!), however, I just prefer to get down and dirty and have as much fun as possible! I don’t let age limits stop me from participating in activities that I enjoyed even ten years ago. Plus, by having that childlike demeanor, I feel like I am able to take more joy out of everyday situations. Not that I’m naïve, but one thing I’ve always admired about children is that most are able to see the positive in any sort of situation. Bad things happen, but most of the time children are able to roll with the punches and not worry nearly as much about fears consuming their whole being.

When I babysit or nanny, I believe it is fully important to actually play with the child. I have to be honest in that playing with a child is a much harder task than it used to be. Children have such vivid imaginations! They see a toy and can instantly create a story that evolves into something magical. And it’s like a psychic connection that children have, they can come together and make two different stories (because honestly, not every child thinks on the same wavelength) combine into something that works for them.

Currently I babysit a cute four year old girl and her two year old brother. She has such a creative mind and I find it very difficult to keep up and ‘pretend’ with her. But by participating in her stories, I find that my imagination continues to expand and that I think out of the box much more effectively than before. In a way, it keeps me feeling young! I hope that I can still feel this way twenty years from now, when that ‘young feeling’ is much harder to grasp when needed.

Some of my hobbies and activities I enjoy are kid based too, and in this case, I enjoy them without the presence of children around. For instance, I LOVE CARTOONS! I’m sure you noticed on my last post that I had a picture of Patrick from Spongebob.

Spongebob is an adorable cartoon from Nickelodeon about undersea critters. It has been on the air for about 11 years now, so I enjoyed it quite thoroughly even when I was 11 years old! As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found themes, jokes, and ideas that are actually more ‘adult’ focused. I believe kids enjoy cartoons for the simple story lines, the cleverly drawn characters, and the simple jokes. But beyond that, they involve a lot of laughs for adults to enjoy too.

Another great cartoon that is only a couple years old is ‘Phineas and Ferb’. Created with that touch of Disney magic, it tells the adventures of two young boys that live each day in summer to the fullest, and their older sister who is always trying to bust her brothers for their daily creations. Filled with clever puns, good music, an excellent storyline, and humorous characters, it easily warms into the hearts of both children and adults alike. Below is one of my favorite episodes, namely for the song ‘Squirrels in my Pants’.

VIDEO GAMES! Oh my gosh do I love me some video games! Now, I do play video games that are structured generally for the 12 and up crowd (minus the Wii games, which are amazingly fun as well!). It’s just so fun to get into a game where you are another character and you have to undergo adventures and quests. Pokémon is one of my favorites! You start as a ten year old about to receive your first Pokemon so you can go off and take a journey to become the best Pokemon trainer in the land. Currently I have my own copy of Pokemon HeartGold that I still need to finish, however I’m just so busy my life that I’ve been neglecting it! I also have a love for World of Warcraft! You start as a creature questing to defeat monsters, enemies, and finding important information that is crucial to your race. You join up with other individuals to quest, if you so choose. There are also fun games to play within the game, such as capture the flag. It’s very addicting! Too bad I have better things to spend $14.95 on a month.

Last but not least, I’m just crazy, goofy, and I don’t let other people tell me not to be fun and out of the box. It is always so nice to make your friends laugh while using funny voices, pretending to be like other people, and telling amusing (if not redundant) jokes. Even though I’m 22, I don’t let the stressors of finishing college and deciding what I want to do with my life control and overwhelm me (all the time, occasionally it makes me feel a little anxious!). I feel good about my life.

Don’t feel afraid to let loose. Don’t let age restrictions keep you from enjoying activities you’d like to participate in. Take in all the joys and wonders life has to offer. Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to be a little creative. In my opinion, it makes life just a little bit nicer!

Spongebob, I Got an Award!

2010-05-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ooh, that is just an epic episode.

Anyways, I was just looking through the blogs I've been following.. and HOLY COW!! I got an award! I think that's pretty darn sweet! Apparently I'm an awesome commenter, and The Girl Who Loves to Whine over at I Know You Wish Your Life Was More Like Mine! says so! Thanks!

So, I guess there are some rules I have to abide by as a nominee.

1. Thank person who nominated me.

2. Copy the award. Paste it in my blog.

3. Link to the person who gave me this award.

4. Answer the 10 questions that come with the award.

Questions:

1. Why do you blog?

I blog because I've always had a passion for writing and I know it is something I excell in. I could always write a journal, but I honestly believe that I do have a lot of important things to say and I want others to see it! I'm not ashamed of what I have to say at all!

2. What are your 3 best memories?

My first memory that I will talk about was of Christmas when I was about 5 years old. My mom was very poor and we lived on welfare. The Women's Shelter in my town invited us over and took us back into a room so the director could talk to my mom and I. In there, there were a TON of presents. They then told me they were all for me! I will never forget how happy I was. To this day, I want to volunteer because I want other people to experience the same joy I felt when that happened.

Another one of my favorite memories was when I was dating a guy back at Luther College. We had been dating for about a month when he decided to drive us to this cool little park at 4am. I hadn't been there before, but he had. There was a trail off the side of the park, and it led to this big stone tower we climbed up. It was a little rough, but the at the top it was beautiful. We stayed and watched the sunrise. It was only about 35 degrees, but it is a fond memory.

My last memory that I will talk about was my first airplane trip that I remember. My family went to Hawaii, and let me tell you... it was a LONG day. We got to the hotel at about 6pm after a busy and tiring travel day, and we walked out to the beach at sunset. It was incredibly peaceful, just a few people walking along the edge of the beach. It was the first time I had ever seen the ocean, and I remember the feel of the water on my toes. It was pretty sweet.
3. If you had to change your real name what would you change it to?

If I had to change my name? I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. I mean, Rachel is ok, but when I was a kid I wanted to be called Larissa (where in the world did I get that name??).

4. What are five things you can't live without?
1. My friends. I have amazing, incredible friends who support me, are there for me when I need it, and we always have good times. This would include my boyfriend, the only one I will name specifically. I have known him for about a year and what an incredible year this has been getting to know him. I know, at the very least, I want him to part of my life always... in some way, shape, or form.

2. My computer. Ohhh my goodness, am I addicted! I'm always on it, but that's ok!

3. Hugs!! I'm very much a physical touch sort of person, and I would die without them!

4. My therapist- without him, I would not have made the progress I've made today

5. God's love. When I am all alone, I remember that He is always there.

5. What are the 4 best books you've ever read?

1. How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk- John Van Epp. I was not able to date effectively until I read this book. I'm not in a perfect relationship now, but it's quite functional :)

2. The Hunger Games- Suzanne Collins. No words to describe how AWESOME this book series is!

3. The Last Song- Nicholas Sparks. I'm a big Nicholas Sparks fan, and his newest book was just perfect. It was a mix of romance and emotional drama that would make some people cringe, but I just sucked it in.

4. Small Town Girl- LaVyrle Spencer. About a country star who comes home to take care of her mom while she's recovering from hip surgery. She realizes she was missing out after she left home, and getting to know the neighbor boy from her childhood shows to be quite memorable.
6. Tell me something unique and interesting about yourself.

I don't know what's really unique about myself specifically, but I really strive to be different from other individuals. I don't like being labeled and I don't put limits on my abilities. So I think that's kind of unique and interesting! :)
7. What do you love best about yourself?

My hair!! :-D

8. What is the best movie ever made?

I'm not really a movie watcher, but one of my favorites is 'The Little Mermaid'. I have a similar personality type to Ariel and I think it's one of the more interesting Disney movies in that it promotes an adventurous spirit for young girls. 'Mulan' is another excellent example.

9. If you had a "freaky friday" experience who would you trade places with and why?

Oh jeez, I don't know. Probably something as simple as my boyfriend, cause I would want to see what it would be like to be a boy. I never really felt the urge to be anybody else!

10. What's the best part about being a woman?

According to the Shania Twain song.. 'the perogative to have a little fun!' ;)

4. Answer the 10 questions that come with the award.

5. Nominate of few of your favorite bloggers for the award.

Well, my first shout out goes to Janae Moss at Pink Moss! We definitely come from different backgrounds, but she is an excellent commenter and she always has very nice and thoughtful things to say!

The second one goes out to Rebecca at Say What You Say. Met her from 20sb, she has a very refreshing writing style and she gives plenty of sweet comments that make my day!

Apparently she's popular, because I noticed on another blog she's been given the award before, but it's Ratz from What Can I Say!. She definitely is able to relate to a lot of my posts.
My last award goes to Rae at The Teen Blog. She seems to be another young lover of the internet and she just is too darn adorable!

6. Post links to the bloggers you nominate.

Alrighty then, that's what I've gotta say today! Thanks again, Girl Who Loves To Whine, you put a big smile on my face!!

-Fin

Who Am I?

2010-05-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

It seems like many blogs I’ve been starting to follow within the last couple of weeks have a lot of Christian values. Even if they are struggling to find their place in God’s eyes, they seem to take matters seriously. They know the bible and various bible verses. They know the songs. They participate in church. At first, I feel a little envious. And then I realize that God does not want me to be envious, especially in matters that come down to Him. He wants me to be myself and to do His will.

I am in the process of trying to find my identity within the Christian realm, and I’ll have to admit that it’s very overwhelming. I try to go to church. I try to read the bible. I pray, although I have a very bizarre way of praying. I try to look at all the different denominations and viewpoints and try to sort through which fits me the best. But I’m still very unsteady and unsure.

One of my biggest hurdles at the current time is I do not live in a college town. I am 22 years old, and the population of individuals in the 19-26 age range in my town is very slim. The church I attended throughout childhood all of a sudden started to feel very hostile because it felt like I didn’t exist. Not that I want to be the center of attention, but I want friends and I want to develop relationships with the other members. While I am an extravert, reaching out to specific individuals in such a large church was very scary.

So I decided to tag along with my boyfriend to his church. Immediately I felt much more comfortable because I was no longer alone, and the congregation was a lot younger compared to my other church. The goals of the church were clear: Accept Jesus, helping people to Become like Jesus, and helping people Contribute the love of Jesus to their world (the ABC method). The motto of the church is ‘Come As You Are’, which is extremely refreshing because I do not feel the need to fit into some type of mold to be accepted. I still wonder how my fit is though. While they have a great worship team, other individuals within the congregation don’t appear to get into the music. Sure, it might not seem like a big deal, but I best express my love and worship to God through music. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think if I choose to get involved with the music more than others, but I still feel extremely self conscious.

I have yet to participate in many of the church activities, though they do seem to be dying down for the summer. It’s very difficult to participate in a lot due to the fact the church is nearly 25 minutes away from where I live. My boyfriend participates in an activity called Celebrate Recovery, which is an event in where individuals with addictive, compulsive, and dysfunctional behaviors can come together with one another to experience God’s healing power and learn principles that help keep us from such unhealthy things. I think it sounds like a terrific program, though I would have to go to one much closer to my home and the thought of going alone is TERRIFYING! At a different church in town, one I actually attended my senior year of high school, they have a program for individuals age 18-35 to meet with similar aged individuals while celebrating God’s love with one another. Once again, it sounds terrific. But I feel so afraid to go on my own.

I read the bible occasionally, though even that I find is a struggle. Sure, I have my favorite books, verses, chapters, but I have yet to hammer through the whole thing. I don’t know all the stories, and I can’t spout verses to follow or inspire others. When I see other blogs taking multiple verses and writing thoughts about those verses, I feel like I know absolutely nothing. I just don’t find sitting down at reading the bible for hours at a time very fun. I also stink at creating and following study guides that help me sort through the bible more effectively. I’m hoping to join a bible study class when one is offered at my church.

I do pray, and quite frequently, but it’s a very strange way of praying. There are no words involved- God knows my thoughts and my heart. For me, it’s a quiet introspection time as I allow all the jumbled thoughts instead my mind calm down, so I can meditate and let God search my innermost being. The unique thing about this is that I have the ability to pray virtually anywhere I am. Ever since I started to do this, I find that I am finding answers for questions that I have been struggling with for years. My depression has diminished, I’m making fewer stupid choices, and I’m feeling better overall. It still doesn’t answer all my concerns, like the ones I’ve already posted, but I’m sure it will come in time.

At the very least, I try to go out of my way to show what Jesus wants us to show our fellow mankind: love. I am very accepting. I pray for other bloggers, friends, people I don’t enjoy, and family. I go out of my way to help others. I try to show people that I am there for them and that I care for them. Matthew 7 is probably one of my favorite chapters for it gives me extremely clear direction for what I need to do to be accepted into God’s Kingdom.

It’s just difficult. I want to understand my place in God’s eyes, and I want to do His will. I have no idea how to go about doing this in ways that I feel comfortable, though I know that’s an unrealistic expectation. Seeking God is not easy and likely will feel uncomfortable. I just have to push past my fears and anxiety and just do it. Go to the events. Read the bible. Continue to pray for guidance for myself and others. Spread God’s love to other individuals.

Hopefully things get better. I know if I try, they will. It will just take some time to get established. It’s like losing weight in a way. You establish healthy behaviors and habits to get the weight to come off. It’s a slow process, but eventually you reach the goal you desire. And you have to continue to work to maintain that goal. Same with doing God’s will. We have to do those things that are healthy to get to the goal we work towards, and we don’t quit when we get there. It’s a never ending process.

-Fin

Staying Steady on the Balance Beam

2010-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness! When I started working on this blog, I was so excited and eager to get writing posts right away and developing all sorts of fun ideas to write about. I pushed life away and focused nearly 100% on my writing. I mean, sure, I did my other things but blogging took precedence

Then I realized I was slacking on work and school. Nothing extreme, but I was definitely losing focus on things that are a priority in life. My assignments were getting in late (actually, that might not be because of this. My statistics class was lame and the teacher was awful!), I wasn’t putting as much zeal into my work, and all that was on my mind was ‘What should I write next?’

If you know a little bit about me, I am very much a black and white thinker. All or nothing. There is no middle ground for me. This type of thinking pattern is very destructive for me, mainly in the form that I cannot appear to balance out activities I enjoy very well. When I realized I had to get back to my other priorities, all of a sudden I felt exhausted to think about blogging by the end of the day. My goal was to write a post every day, and constantly follow all the blogs I’ve been starting to follow.

Alright, within a matter of days, I realize that is obviously a daunting task.

There is a balance between keeping a blog and still living life. Unless one is actually making an income on their blog (which I am pretty sure there are not many), we have to realize that life does come first. Blogging is a fun hobby, for sure! But getting too heavily involved in any hobby can be unhealthy. A lot of the blogs I follow consist of authors that go to school, have a family, and have a career (if not a mix of any two or all three!). I can’t help but crack a smile when I see them talk about setting goals of getting their butt off the computer and getting other work done!

I pretty much live on my computer. This was already pre-blogging. I guess I do have the excuse of actually attending school online which means between 10-20 hours a week of time is committed to reading textbooks, writing papers and powerpoints, and participating in daily discussion questions. Besides school, Facebook and instant messenger are always one click away. I easily have three or four hour conversations with friends over chat. I skype with my boyfriend frequently. I have iTunes on in the background every now and then. I also play some video games, like World of Warcraft (used to) and Dream of Mirror Online. I read CNN and followed about 25 blogs and CaringBridge pages. I also Googled random topics that I found interesting and could read for hours. Wikipedia was both my best friend and my worst enemy.

On top of all that craziness, now I have made the commitment to write about things that are important. Some people can throw together blog posts quickly, but I approach things differently by thinking of topics and ideas ahead of time. I spent a lot of time concocting in my head how I want a blog post to appear. I have a growing list of blog topics that I plan to write about. I also have about four other half finished blog entries that I am churning out slowly.

As for the rest of my life, I’ve gotten quite lazy. Going outside on my own will has almost become a chore. I let chores go unfinished around the house, only to the dismay of my father who yells about how I’m not doing my part around the house. Besides spending time with my boyfriend, I haven’t been seeing many friends and spending time with them.

I obviously need to get a better handle on how to manage my computer time from cleaning, friend, work, outside, and sleeping time. I have been keeping a calendar for a while (thank you BJ!) and most of that is filled with work times and some other events that are going on. What I need to do weekly is set up time that I am devoting to doing all my ‘other’ online activities. I have tried going the other way around by planning times to honor my other commitments, but it only frustrates me because then I do not feel like I have much flexibility at all. In reality, I do have a lot of time to spare. It’s easier for me to put in ‘Ok, this Monday from 6pm to 9pm I am going to read my blogs, write any posts, veg out on Facebook and instant messenger, and whatever other junk I have subjected myself to obsess over’.

Ok, so I’m not going to churn out a blog post daily. I won’t be able to follow every single post to every single blog I follow (trust me, I’d like to, but I’d go mad since I follow currently about 40+ blogs). It’s very tempting, yes, but I have to keep myself happy, healthy, and depression free. I don’t want to feel exhausted if it’s 11pm at night after a busy day of papers and work to feel compelled to write something. There’s always a better and more appropriate time.

It’s all a delicate balancing act.

Now I just have to figure out how to make this work for me.

How do you guys balance blogging and life? I always appreciate comments and suggestions!

-Fin-

101/1001 Day Challenge

2010-05-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally decided to look into this whole 1001 day project that I have seen so many other blogs talking about. Within seeing about five blogs doing the challenge, I hopped on Google and found a website that went more into detail about what the project is. After a while of getting the idea, I played around with developing my own list. I also read many different lists, and every single one was different in ways unlike another’s. I thought it was very unique!

So, after thinking about what my intentions were, I figured this would be an excellent project to tackle. And because I’m so god awful at staying consistent with a project, I decided this would be a good segment to add to my blog. That way I am not only fulfilling a duty to myself, but I am also fulfilling the duty to you (my readers) that I will keep at this going strong!

I realize the concept of the project was not to finish every single list. Instead, the list has us examine what our goals, dreams, and passions are, and to start finding ways to make those things possible. Obviously, not everything on the list is going to be earth-shattering. Some of my goals are actually to try new things, and others are to do things I should be doing more often.

I think actually having the list will help me have a better ability to focus on my goals, instead of just having them stew in my head (it would be pretty easy to forget if I were doing that!). I believe it will be a pretty cool feeling to put an X next to a completed goal; in fact, thinking about crossing a goal off almost makes me feel more motivated to complete the various goals.

Anyways, I suppose I don’t really have a whole lot else to add on the subject. Once some changes come to the blog, all my posts specifically about the challenge should be redirected to a different page entirely. Enjoy!

1. Ride in a hot air balloon

2. Go skydiving

3. Read 100 books (1/100)

4. Write a song

5. Graduate College

6. Make a list of things to do before I die

7. Get a promotion

8. Save $5 for every task I complete

9. Keep a dream journal

10. Go camping with friends

11. Send Christmas cards to family and friends

12. Travel to Japan

13. Get my ham radio license

14. Run a mile without stopping

15. Volunteer for a charity

16. Learn to play another instrument

17. Move out of the house

18. Inspire someone else to make their own list

19. Finish a coloring book

20. Join a softball team

21. Go trick or treating

22. Be in a play

23. Go to a Tim McGraw concert

24. Finish Pokemon HeartGold

25. Buy all the Phineas and Ferb episodes on iTunes

26. Go on a roadtrip out west

27. Get to 140 lbs, my goal weight

28. Get off all my medications

29. Go to Build-a-Bear

30. Get 100 people to follow my blog

31. Stay in a relationship for at least a year

32. Learn how to paint my toenails the correct way

33. Grow my hair to my butt

34. Try 10 new coffee flavors

35. Write a whole journal

36. Get in a bible study group

37. Make a new best friend who is a girl

38. Start writing a biography

39. Storm spot a tornado

40. Get something I’ve written published

41. Find a full time job

42. Get an A in at least five classes

43. Go on a 75 mile bike ride

44. Write at least one blog entry a week

45. Send a letter to a friend I don’t see anymore

46. Go on a weeklong Facebook hiatus

47. Visit my grandma in Florida

48. Make a fleece blanket

49. Meet a famous person

50. Meet a blogger that I follow (that I already didn’t know)

51. Go to a family reunion

52. Be an extra in a movie

53. Give a friend flowers anonymously

54. Have a reunion with my high school friends

55. Host a party

56. Make a scrapbook

57. Have a slumber party

58. Go a weekend without technology

59. Visit my family in Lousiana

60. Make a video documentary

61. Write a letter to myself to open in ten years

62. Go water skiing

63. Make a five course meal

64. Go a month without buying anything that isn’t a necessity

65. Win a contest

66. Join a roleplaying game

67. Write a love letter

68. Try out for American Idol

69. Write a short fiction story

70. Get into grad school

71. Pay for an entire date

72. Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day

73. Try escargot

74. Listen to music nonstop for 24 hours

75. Give a coffee shop a ten dollar tip

76. Go canoeing

77. Meet a family member I haven’t met yet

78. Be a vegetarian for a week

79. Finish a rubik’s cube

80. Save all my change for six months

81. Get my managers a thank you gift

82. Buy something on Ebay

83. Run in a marathon

84. Take a photography class

85. Buy a new camera

86. Score a 300 in Wii bowling

87. Cook a romantic meal for my significant other

88. Become a fan of a new TV show I haven’t seen before

89. Sing in a friend’s wedding

90. Be a sober cab

91. Be a part of a bachelorette party

92. Buy a little black dress

93. Donate my hair to Locks of Love

94. Go surfing

95. Go on a road trip in my state

96. Have a Disney Princess Movie marathon

97. Redecorate my room

98. Mentor a young girl

99. Learn a song on a guitar

100. Write a Letter to somebody that inspires me

101. Clean the whole house

-Fin

Ooh La La! My Uber Sexy Curly Curls

2010-05-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

Are you ready for it?

Are you??

ARE YOU REALLY?!?

Well, this blog isn’t called ‘Curly-Haired Confessions’ for nothing. 99% of the time you will be subjected to the confessions. However, I figured it would be fun to write about my hair! I absolutely love my hair! So you get to read all about the trials and tribulations from having those sexy curly curls!

Through the years, the curls have changed. Went from mild curls, to ‘Annie’ hair, to dork hair (yeah, none of you will ever see a picture from these years! It was a scary time! Trust me!), to disguising my curls with a straightener, to finally finding a way to accept my curls the way they are.

I was blessed into this world with a thick head of hair… well, maybe not right away, but I see pictures of my hair when I was really little, like here, and my hair was just ‘wild child’ hair. It stuck up every which way. My hair doesn’t really appear to be very curly. I’m sure my mom went crazy having to deal with it though.

Now, don’t laugh at me, but I’m pretty sure I remember the very moment that my hair turned curly. Yes- there was a distinct moment. I believe I was about 3 or 4 years old, and I was sliding down the stairs at my cousin’s house with my cousin. I remember sliding so fast that my hair just turned curly. Considering this IS in my memory banks, it HAS to be true. :-3

When I was younger, I really didn’t like having curly hair. It never really outwardly bothered me, but I would often ‘brush it to make it straight’. I probably did that many times from the age of five to the age of eleven. When I lived with my birth mom, she brushed it out more and kept it long, so the curls appeared to be much softer than when I lived with my adoptive parents. My adoptive mom kept it very short. I assume she loved those curls, and wanted to preserve them. As much as I hated my hair back then, I look at those pictures from 8-10 and I think I look absolutely adorable!

I must have finally argued my mom enough to the point where I can tell I took over how my hair looked. Ohh, how I wish I could go back in time to tell myself to just let my mom continue doing my hair! I started brushing it often, so the curl once again looked a lot softer. But this time, with my hair shorter and one length, it poofed! Maybe one day I’ll show you a picture of what I looked like with ‘triangle’ hair. It’s absolutely hideous!

Thankfully, I had a fashionable foster sister in middle school that was able to show me the error of my ways. Mainly, she showed me how to braid my hair, pull it up into a neat ponytail, and a few other various tricks. Most didn’t fully embrace my curls… actually, I don’t believe any of them did. But at least my hair looked slightly more presentable in public, and no more triangle hair!

Not to say I didn’t try and learn to cope with my hair. I listened to the hairdressers that cut my hair repeatedly and found their advice was utterly hopeless on my head of hair. In fact, why trust them when I hated the way my hair looked (even MORE than usual) after walking out of the salon. They always told me tidbits of advice like “pick it with a comb”, “never blow dry”, among other things that just made my hair look terrible. Whenever I let it air dry, it would look all frizzy and it would hang wrong (by this time my hair was about the length of my shoulder blades). When I picked it, my hair style looked like it came straight out of a 1980’s yearbook! Yuck!

Once I hit high school, I finally had enough money to invest in a hair straightener. This was actually a device I begged my parents to buy me when I was in 8th grade, however they didn’t see any reason to ruin my hair. I loved my straightener. Sure, I had to wake up an extra hour to shower, blow dry, and straighten in the mornings before school, but I never felt ashamed of my hair. My classmates would notice and compliment my long, straight brown hair (now I see how boring that sounds).

Then… the accident happened…

And no, I don’t mean like a car accident or hurting myself. In October of my sophomore year of high school, I was getting ready to attend a wedding with my parents. I was blow drying my hair before I was going to straighten it, but prior to blow drying I had put in this anti-frizz spray I had received the day before at the salon. They gave it to me so my hair would look smoother when I straightened it. Then, when I turned off the blow dryer… my hair looked very pretty. And it was curly! GASP! So I left it like that, and I got a lot of compliments at the wedding reception.

After the wedding, it was a lot of playing around with my hair. Some days, my hair looked amazing! And other days, my hair looked like total crap! I didn’t care though, I finally felt proud of my hair the way it is. Here’s my hair about six months after I hit my ‘revelation’.

Since I’ve started to like my hair, it’s been a lot of trial and error. I’ve experimented with different haircuts, lengths, hair colors, and products. Right now, I love the length, but I’ve discovered I have a lovely patch on the left side of my head that frizzes more than any part on my head. I’ve learned that a side part compliments my curl (and the widow’s peak I want to hide) much nicer. Layers help give my hair body and they allow the curls to flow freely down my back. I’m growing it out (say, Miley Cyrus length?) and it’s stubborn in not growing out well once it gets about to bra hook length.

Every now and then I get an individual, generally somebody who is shopping in the store I work at, who will go ‘I LOVE your hair! You must absolutely HATE it!’ That always makes me laugh really hard. I tell them that I love my hair, I’m proud of it, and I would never imagine changing it. Then they laugh and tell me that I’m fortunate to feel that way!

We were all given different types of hair that I believe we should accept and embrace. I remember in high school there were a lot of girls who dyed their hair platinum blonde and straightened it, so they all looked the same. God made for us to have different types of hair, and I believe there is truly no boring hairdo. I like seeing the variety of colors, the different lengths, it is just so fun. So I challenge you to do something that honors YOUR hair. Be proud of the way it is :).

Fin

Thoughtful Quotes to Live By

2010-05-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

****I thought it would be fun to play with some quotes in my blog. My friend Chellie and I were talking about different ideas for blog topics and she suggested finding a quote and writing my thoughts on it. I thought it was BRILLIANT! Tell me what you think about it, cause I might try and make it a weekly thing.****

Today’s Quote:

They can because they think they can. – Virgil

I’m certainly not the only person in the world who feels insanely frustrated with lack of ability to do something well. I often get discouraged because I see somebody do something absolutely incredible, and I think ‘I would LOVE to do this, but there is absolutely no way I am able to.’ So, I don’t bother. I feel a little like that when I’m writing. I see people write and they are so good. Other people flock to them like bees to a flower. Why should I write when others are better?

I also tend to make a lot of excuses for why I can’t do something. A lot of times it boils down to something in my subconscious that is saying ‘you can’t do this, you can’t do this’. “Oh, I’m too busy.” “Oh, I have to do this first.” “Oh, what’s the point if nobody’s going to notice?” I just board the excuse train and don’t get anything done.

My therapist (yes, I DO see one) constantly tells me that I’m very much a perfectionist. The definition of perfectionism, at least the one I feel most applies to me, is a disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. A lot of times you’ll find perfectionists only apply that standard to themselves. My dad is different in the fact he applies his perfectionism to people around him: his coworkers, I would assume his girlfriend, me. If I don’t maintain his image of what is perfect, then he freaks out. There are those types of perfectionists too.

But I am a perfectionist in that I don’t feel like I am good enough. When I am often looking at another’s creations, I think that it is AMAZING! Terrific, wonderful, flawless. Something I could never create nearly as well. What they made is perfect, in my opinion. But is that realistic? Probably not so much. I have to realize that they probably feel insecure about their own creations; they notice the flaws, the inconsistencies, and the mistakes that they make too. Chances are, they do probably feel some of what I feel: that it’s not good enough.

Perfectionists like me also make excuses because they don’t want to put effort into anything they don’t feel like they are going to do well in. By choosing to take the excuse route, we are often labeled as ‘careless’ and ‘lazy’. That really isn’t the case. We care immensely about some things, but often it gets very stressful to put that much care and thought into everything.

Yet, every day I see something incredible made by another person’s hands. What sets them apart to somebody like me though, is that they believe they can do it, and they JUST DO IT. They don’t let things like perfectionism stop them from doing what they want to do. They don’t make excuses, they don’t give up, they don’t get scared about performance, and they don’t let other people stop them. Get this- They CAN because they THINK they can. Isn’t that cool? And when they do, chances are people will appreciate it! Even if it’s not absolutely terrific, at least somebody is going to appreciate that the individual had the courage to do what they wanted to do.

I think about all the different instances where I let these fears and excuses stop me from doing what is interesting. I know this quote isn’t going to be ‘life-shattering’ and things aren’t going to make a 180. I will still make fears and excuses, because I’m human and I’m imperfect. But, when I feel like something is stopping me from doing something that I would really enjoy, I plan to try something different now. This time, I will remember that everybody faces the same obstacles that I face. I will pray for guidance and direction, and I will go to friends and family for encouragement and motivation. I will also tell myself repeatedly that I CAN do it. If they can do it, so can I.

I can, because I think I can.

Fin

Not Me! Monday

2010-05-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I am not putting off my very last piece of homework for my class that finishes up tonight. It is not only five simple questions. In fact, I have not finished every piece of homework at this last minute for the entire duration of this class. I am not that careless! I need to get good grades! I am not debating putting the darn worksheet off until after work tonight, either.

I am not stressing about having two jobs and full time school now. I just started my second job last week and I did not even consider the fact that between that, my boyfriend, my other job, and non-stop school that it would be too much. I am not worried that I am in over my head.

I also did not forget to go to the bathroom before work yesterday. I didn't know I would be working four and a half hours without a break! I would NEVER forget even if I did! I was not doing the potty dance while I was closing the store, either. Nope! Not me! Never to the point where other people could laugh at me, let alone see me!

Have you done anything that you would be mortified to ever admit to anybody? Well, that's what Not Me! Monday is for! To prove that you 'didn't' do it! Go on over to MckMama's page and see what other people didn't do today, either!

Fin

Never Too Old for the Playground

2010-05-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

What's that? I'm at a playground? With friends? Scandelous!

Yes, THESE terrific friends!

Laughing, swinging

...Ok, maybe a LITTLE posing

And overall, it was a really fun evening spending it with friends I don't see very often. Mental note: Must fix that!

-Fin-

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

2010-05-16T08:22:00.001-07:00

I know I’m new to this, but I will soon be undergoing a blog makeover! One of my favorite aspects about looking at other blogs is to look at the variety of designs other people have created. I love all the colors, the frames, the fun and quirky pieces that make an individual’s blog unique to them. One of the things I almost had trouble with once I found a designer that fit my needs and my price was finding the right digital kit! Have you SEEN how many choices there are out there? It’s ridiculous! I probably sorted through at least a couple hundred, trying to find my taste in colors and extras. When I sent my email about what I liked specifically about the kit I chose, I must have sounded like the pickiest person ever!
Plus, it was a birthday present for myself :-3 heehee!

****Blog design is a hobby I would become interested in developing, so if any readers do this in their spare time and are willing to show the tricks of the trade, I would very much appreciate it! I have no experience in HTML and CSS.****

Also, I will be doing a better job of carrying my camera with me wherever I go. I have never really thought of myself being skilled in photography, but it never hurts to try, right? I read a lot of blogs with authors who seem to be very skilled in the art of Photoshop or Lightroom; I most certainly can’t afford those at the moment, but maybe in a few months I will get the opportunity to play with such wonderful photo editing tools. So, I hope you don’t mind the lack of editing!

****If you know any free or low pricing photo editing software that is good, you are welcome to tell me about it!****

Well, I hope you like the changes that will be coming forth! The pictures will be up pretty soon probably :).

Fin

Let's Face It. Facebook is ADDICTING!!!

2010-05-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

It’s great in this day and age to have effective ways of social networking. I started my journey sometime I believe in 2006, and it was on Myspace first. I easily got locked into the hype: trying to get as many friends as possible, decorating your page, putting music on your page, the coveted ‘relationship’ status. I met a few boyfriends over Myspace, too (that doesn’t sound wrong at all, does it?). It was all fun and games, and I was definitely hooked.

Not more than six months later, I was introduced to Facebook. I actually had a Facebook account maybe only a month after the creation of my Myspace account, but at that point it was really only for college students. The summer before I trotted off to college I started getting into Facebook more than Myspace. It was really cool, especially, that everybody who was headed off to Luther for the fall of 2006 was easily able to connect with one another. You were able to figure out what types of people you had most in common with, people majoring in the same thing you planned to, even which people were going to be in your wing of a certain dorm. It was wild, fun, and a great way to get to know people ahead of actually MEETING them.

A lot of the concepts were similar between Myspace and Facebook. Who had the most friends, who had the most wall postings, what your relationship status was. As cool as it was to edit the look of your page through Myspace, I opted for the cleaner and more polished look from Facebook. Plus, I didn’t seem to get messages from stalkers from Facebook nearly as much as I did on Myspace! That was always a nice thing!

Now that I’ve been a Facebook user for almost four years now, I’ve witnessed most of the changes that have taken place. I remember Facebook when it was only college students and a select few in high school. I remember how mad most of the people on campus were when we realized that anybody else now had access to use and utilize Facebook, but that was short lived, and we got used to it pretty quickly. I remember when it didn’t have the main feed looking the way it does now: people were pretty annoyed about that. I remember when everything on your page was all in one section, with your information on top and your wall on the bottom. I could go on.

It makes me laugh when people always complain about Facebook making some large change, because within a month or two people just adjust anyways. I admit that I haven’t always been happy with the changes made, but now I can’t even remember well the way things were before the change. We all adjust pretty quickly to them.

I’ve also heard a lot of complaints with the changes in the Privacy settings. Now, I don’t follow the regulations to a T (in fact, I barely follow them at all), but Facebook has always given us pretty secure privacy options if we really want them. Often times the users have to activate them to be put into use, but it’s much more effective than complaining that Facebook is allowing some things to be not as private. If you can make it private, just click or unclick the box. Simple as that. And I don’t have any problems with privacy whatsoever.

There is a lot of truth about being careful with what you put on your Facebook, too. Sure, it might feel relieving to complain about your job, or your school, but if you take it too far you have no guarantees that somebody on your friends list won’t spill the beans. Even if you remove it, all they have to do is take a snapshot of the page before you have done so, and they have evidence. It’s ok to complain a little, but make sure you are tactful about it. Also, don’t put any pictures that might have the same effect. I’ve read articles about people not being hired or let into certain graduate schools because the individual participating in activities that particular institution does not support. Also- do you want ALL your family and friends to know everything? You might think only your friends notice that stuff, but I’ve gotten quite a few side comments from family members. I also realize that I do have a 10 year old in my friend’s page, and I have to be appropriate as well.

I can’t lie; I do heavily utilize the custom privacy features. Some battles aren’t worth picking, and my dad likes to battle EVERYTHING. So I just state that I don’t want him seeing specific features. I wouldn’t suggest doing this with everybody, especially because it would take a lot of time, but it helps you avoid situations that might cause some trouble. I wouldn’t fully rely on this feature either, because if friends are viewing another mutual friend’s page, they might get annoyed if they realize they can’t view certain content while the other friend can.

It’s also really crazy to see Facebook on your phone and iPod; makes me wonder what ways Facebook will go next. How about Facebook 3D? Oh look, her profile picture pops out! Almost everybody I know over the age of 14 has a Facebook. It’s part of our daily conversation, nothing special, it’s just THERE. I’ve seen pages for animals and babies.

And fan pages! Ooh, those are absolutely hilarious! I believe the trend started last year, but people will click ‘Become a Fan’ (actually, now it’s ‘Like’) on some page that people enjoy or have in common. Some of them are situations, or quotes. Here are a few of the things I ‘Like’:

‘Join if you can name more Pokemon than Presidents’
‘Nutella’
‘Spongebob’s face when he figured out Squidward likes Krabby Patties’
‘The S Thing we All Drew in Elementary School’

And there are a ton of others as well. I think it’s actually a cute concept. I can see why people might find it stupid, but even my boyfriend has joined a fan page with something that he really liked. You just see something and think ‘I’VE DONE THAT!’ or ‘I LOVE THAT!’ and the temptation is so great!

Facebook, oh Facebook, why must you torment me? It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even turn it off when I’m away from my computer. I have it on my phone, my iPod; Facebook is never out of reach. I don’t know how I’d live without it. It’s great to be able to talk to any of my friends on chat, send them a message, create groups to get together, and put ideas in discussion groups.

I wonder if Facebook will be forever, or I wonder what will come next…

Fin

Happy Birthday to Me: Reflecting on the Past

2010-05-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today I turn 22 years old. To many, that’s still fairly young. I might appear old to only very young children. Personally, I think that I’m in that period that I consider as the ‘unsure’ years. Some may have established an identity at this age; I’ve seen people that I graduated high school with become mothers, fathers, successful businesspeople, get married, among many other things. Then, I notice the lack of identity in myself and feel a little jealous. Sure, I’m a college student, and that is something, but it’s also frustrating to see most of my high school classmates graduating from college this year. I certainly feel behind.

(Here comes the cheerful part)… But I’m 22 years old! And I’m not behind! Sure, I might work in retail in my spare time, but I’m going to school to make a life for myself. I’m also not worthless in heart, mind, and spirit. God is always cheering me on and I know he’s proud of my accomplishments. I’m smart, funny, (trying to be) independent, charming, among many other fun and quirky adjectives.

I have learned a lot of valuable advice over the years. Some of the advice has been fairly light-hearted, and some of it has been pretty serious. All in all, the advice has made me the girl I am today. I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned: to give you advice in return, to make you smile, to make you relate back through your years. Enjoy!

****From my childhood:****
-Always wipe
-Imagination can get you ANYWHERE
-Always try new things
-Living life isn’t nearly as fun without a best friend
-At least one person who is important to you will move away or pass away. And somebody will offer you support when it happens.
-When an adult tells you not to do something, LISTEN TO THEM. It might seem like a good idea to do what you want, but most of the time there is truth to their warning.
-Share frequently- people appreciate it
-Don’t throw hard toys at people’s heads, no matter how annoying the neighbor boy is!

****From being a teenager:****
-Don’t be ashamed about having curly hair
-Don’t only think about yourself
-Boys aren’t everything
-Success in academics is never a bad thing!
-It’s important to put care into your appearance
-Develop great friendships with your teachers
-Don’t be ashamed about being different than others
-It’s not all about being in the popular crowd. It’s about being with the people who care about you more than life itself and are good influences
-A first kiss is a wonderful thing, but it’s also important to stay innocent and move slow

****Lessons that I’ve learned in the last few years:****
-If you feel like you need to hurt yourself, don’t! Call anybody, and if you don’t have anybody to talk to, call 911. There is always somebody who will be there to get you through the hard times.
-Drinking excessively is stupid. If you get sick and feel awful 90% of the experience, it can’t be all good.
-Accept your body the way it is, and don’t be ashamed of it. God made you to look a certain way, and he doesn’t make mistakes
-Don’t depend on your significant other. Realize that you don’t NEED them, but feel absolutely blessed to have them in your life
-Sex is worth waiting for. If you have done it, and wish to not do it until a more reasonable time, then do it! Just because you made an impulse doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it
-It’s ok to act like a kid. Don’t behave like one though
-Enjoy the little things in life
-Don’t feel pressured to do something because other people are. Things come at their own time for each individual. And sometimes they won’t come. But let things come naturally and embrace them as events happen

There are definitely more pieces of advice I could share with you, but I am trying to keep things fairly short and concise. It was actually fun to think of the times where these lessons occurred; definitely brought back a ton of fun memories. The best part is that this list will just continue to grow along with me. I’m definitely not fully mature (is anybody ever TRULY mature?) and have a lot to learn. I also hope to learn to reflect and develop lessons through my own posts. I mean, I’m actually taking the time to write out all my thoughts instead of keeping them trapped up inside my skull, so I might as well take them seriously and go into more detail. It’s really quite fun that way.

And to anybody that wishes me a happy birthday, thank you!

Fin

Blogging With a Purpose: Goals and Intentions

2010-05-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

Now that I’m in the process of establishing a blog, I figured it would be a good thing to set some blogging goals for myself. As I mentioned in my last post, my prior blogs had more of a ‘journal-entry’ focus to them. I wrote about anything that was going on in my life, with little regard to the people I was writing about. The situations were probably not appropriate either. I’ve gone through a lot of emotionally damaging situations and I’m beginning to realize that some of it probably will never be entirely appropriate to write about publicly. That’s why I (should) keep a journal at home, something to write my deep and most private thoughts in.

I follow a variety of blogs now, some ranging from blogs that need to be kept in the journal format, others that seem to have primarily informative posts, and a few that are a little of both. I’m not saying the posts in the journal format are bad, I just believe that those posts should generally be more lighthearted and focused. In my older blogs, I would write posts about how depressed I was, yet I would go into extreme detail to the point where my friends and other readers would worry too much for my safety. That’s not a good route to go. If you want to have a public blog, you want people to find joy in reading it.

My boyfriend kind of has a blog through his website, he’ll write posts every now and then (hasn’t much lately). But what I really like about his posts is they are ABOUT something, whether it is a review, or starting a job; it feels like there is direction. And the other aspect I like about it is that it includes a variety of topics (most on the electronic realm, but not all). I figured if I was going to start a blog, I wanted to follow a similar approach.

However, the concept just wasn’t sinking in for me as I was starting to reconsider writing a blog a few months ago. I wrote a few posts, but they just felt unfocused and unsure. So, I set the idea aside for awhile. I also was told to try WordPress but that turned me off to blogging as well. I know it works great for some people; however I find Blogger to be much easier for me to maneuver. I let life take over. I just kept everything I wanted to write about bottled up; figuring inspiration and direction would hit me eventually.

And yesterday, it just did. I went to sit down at my lovely computer and I felt compelled to open up a word document and just write. Write about something important to me. Something that could be important for somebody else to read. And so my post on open-mindedness was born. And you know what? IT FELT AMAZING! You know what else? I want to continue doing it. Every voice in my mind screamed ‘START A BLOG!’ This time while I was setting it up, everything felt natural. The name came easily, I don’t feel nearly as anal about the appearance, and it’s relaxed. Sure, I hope people read my blog… but I’m fine if they don’t.

I could go on and on… I do think it’s probably a good idea to actually talk about my goals now…

-My post has to be about SOMETHING and actually stick to the topic at hand
-It should be about something other people might find interesting
-It should not be entirely self-focused. I want other people to find enjoyment from the advice, thoughts, and other information I provide
-I will take other readers advice to hand. If there’s a topic they want me to cover, I’d be happy to write a post about it.
-Be honest. A lot of bloggers seem intent of keeping this high and mighty image they’ve established for themselves. If people like me for the person I am, then that’s great. If they would rather read about people who seem better than the average Joe, that’s up to them.
-Establish myself with communities and other bloggers. It’s not about me, I intend on developing relationships with people who also have important things to say. You get back what you put forth, too. By going out of your way to help other people, you gain better friendships, trust, and reliability.
-Most importantly, have fun!! While I want other people to enjoy it and I don’t want to present myself as selfish, I’m writing this blog because I believe I have important things to say and I want a creative outlet to get those things out there. This is why I’m blogging, and not writing a private journal instead. This is what I enjoy!

So, now you’re getting a better idea about the basics of who I am. I wanted to share these goals with you, so you can see my intentions for blogging. For the first out of many times I will say this, I really appreciate the people who will come along on this ride with me. I hope this helps me grow as a person, and helps me build strong friendships that I will cherish for a lifetime.

Fin

I'm Not You, and You're Not Me! But That's OK!

2010-05-11T20:21:00.001-07:00

I have honestly tried blogging before, but I never realized the importance of blogging with a purpose! To me, it was like a game, a public journal entry of sorts. I mean, I’m 22 years old! I really don’t have many hobbies (at least not very seriously) and for the most part my life is pretty mellow. Not to say that it hasn’t been before, I’ve gone through nearly every situation under the sun and I have a lot of opinions on life.

Now, I don’t want you to get the idea that I’m over-opinionated, because I’m really not. If you knew me, I’m truly one of the MOST accepting people in the world. I live by the motto ‘Everybody is Different’. And that’s the truth! We all think differently and while two people might share some opinions, in reality they will never share all the same opinions. This is one reason I tend to avoid political and religious discussions. Not to say that I don’t enjoy them, it’s always terrific to get new viewpoints on a topic. But if an individual does not choose to believe or support what I think, then that’s ok. They aren’t me! Now, I will get a little annoyed if somebody is trying to convince me to do something that I plainly do not agree with. I respect what other people believe, and I do not appreciate it when people do not respect my choices. They aren’t me! (Yes, I know I sound a little redundant, but I’m trying to make a point here!)

One of my favorite classes I’ve taken in my college career was a philosophy class called ‘Critical Thinking’. Before taking the course, I still held similar beliefs to being open-minded. However, my professor often had to correct my posts because I’d present a close-minded opinion. Usually it was not something I was pressing to my other classmates, but I would make assumptions very easily. We all make assumptions that aren’t true, but my professor was amazing at informing me about the importance of trying not to. One discussion question in the class requested us to go out into public and observe other people. The assignment was to challenge first impressions. We would pick an individual, recognize the first impression that came along with the observations we made, and then create a background story for the individual that was different to the impression originally made. It was really clever! Obviously, we didn’t know the individual’s background, but it was a great way to challenge the impressions. Just because somebody looks or acts a certain way doesn’t mean they ARE that way. We are different, and we have different reasons for looking or behaving in any way. I still go out into public, and I still have first impressions. But now, I try not to let myself stick to them. By using this exercise, it really helps me focus on the people underneath appearances and behaviors when I meet them.

I also try to be very open to trying new things. I certainly am not perfect at this either, and I have a lot of reservations (I used to be an extremely picky child!). I don’t like everything I try either. I just took a knitting class recently, and it just isn’t for me. I certainly hope other people give it a try though, just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean you won’t. (Uh oh, here it comes again…) You aren’t me!

And just because I am open to listening to different opinions, viewpoints, and activities doesn’t mean I accept everything that comes my way. For example: I am pro-life, I’m unsure where I stand with homosexuality, I believe parents should teach their children concepts from the bible and not depend on church and Sunday School to do so, I don’t agree with K-12 class sizes greater than 25 students. If people ask why, I will be happy to share with them my thoughts. What I believe sets me apart is that I understand why people choose to be pro-choice, I don’t condemn homosexuality even if I don’t agree with it, at least children going to Sunday School and church is certainly better than nothing, and there are wonderful teachers who can educate a large class effectively (among other things…). I really try hard to step in another person’s shoes and see things from their standpoint. They aren’t me, and I’m not them. It’s fair to try and understand why other individuals think differently. This next one I’m trying to be better with, but I shouldn’t mind if an individual calmly discusses with me why I should believe something in a different manner. I want my thoughts to change, grow, and evolve, and by being close-minded I can’t really do that well, can I?

I know perfectly well that people aren’t going to agree with my viewpoint. But you know, that’s ok, and I respect that. But, I’m happy that I am the way I am (clarify- at least with my open-mindedness). I truly feel most at peace this way and, in my opinion, that’s the way I should feel.

Fin

Well Hi! My name is Fin! And I work in a Button Factory!

2010-05-11T20:16:00.001-07:00

Ok... I really don't work in a button factory...

Hi there! My name is Rachel, but I’d rather be known as Fin. I am 22 years old, and I live in the Midwest. I am a junior through the University of Phoenix and I am pursuing a bachelor’s degree in Psychology. I live with my self-diagnosed narcissistic father at home. I work at a cute souvenir shop and, for the summer, I work at a barbeque restaurant. I also babysit in my spare time. I have a wonderful boyfriend (who is also my VERY best friend!) and his family has adopted me as another one of the kids. I also have great friends that I enjoy spending time with.

I am also a Christian. I’ve been going to church since I was eight, but in the last year or so I’ve really been exploring where I stand in the realm of Christianity. I attended an ELCA church for many years, but in the light of all the controversy going on, I wanted to find something different. Also, I live in a town with a very small 20-something population, so I recently started attending church with my boyfriend. It’s a wonderful place with a motto of ‘Come as You Are’. I wish I could say I read the bible avidly, but I maybe only pick it up once a week. Besides accepting the fact Christ died on the cross for me and for all mankind, I believe my role is to be as Christ-like as possible. I know I’m a sinner, but I try my darned best to love, accept, and be a good person. I personally enjoy the books of Matthew and Romans the best, for I feel they give some of the best direction in how we are supposed to behave as good Christians.

I love music and take voice lessons once a week. I guess I don’t exactly know what section I sing, in middle school it was Soprano I, in high school it was Alto 1, in college (my first year and a half) it was Alto II, my first voice teacher a few summers ago said I was Soprano II, and now my current teacher says I go into head voice in the Soprano range. I like to take that as a compliment in that I have a wide range! I also dabble in the piano, but I’m very much a left-brained person and it’s very technical and concrete for me. I’d give my left arm to be able to create my own music, but because I can’t I try my best to appreciate the music that other people create.

Reading is another hobby I’m extremely passionate about. Mostly you fill find romantic filled fiction (Nicholas Sparks and LaVyrle Spencer are a few of my favorite authors!) and self help books in my bookshelf. I also follow at least over twenty blogs, varying between mommy blogs, blogs about children with illnesses, Christian blogs, and photography blogs. I’ve been reading since I was five, and I haven’t stopped since! I used to get in trouble in school because I’d read during classes instead of listening to my teachers. Oops!

An activity I’m picking up this year is storm spotting! Weather has always been something I’ve been passionate about since I was really young, and an activity I’ve wanted to try for years. My boyfriend has been spotting for a number of years now and is taking me along for the ride. This year I’m going to go along with him so he can show me the ropes. But I’ve just started to look at the material to get my radio license so next year I can do it on my own. I’m VERY excited for this!

I also enjoy writing (obviously enough to start a blog. AGAIN!). Enough of my friends, family, and teachers and told me it’s a strength of mine, and I think I believe it myself now. I believe writing about my experiences is probably my biggest strength, but I enjoy writing poetry and fiction as well. I’ll try to throw a little of both into the blog, so I can practice them. I also will throw in some advice, and some reviews of movies, music, books, and travel opportunities. Since I don’t have any significant hobbies, I have to write about something significant!

Other hobbies that aren’t so significant include: Cartoons, rollerblading, biking, walking, sleeping, baking, going to amusement parks, and other things that obviously aren’t coming to mind at the moment. You’ll find out, I’m sure. I love trying new things and I try to be open to new experiences.

I hope you enjoy reading my blog. I will warn you now that posting frequently can and WILL be one of my weaknesses, but I will try very hard to combat that.

Fin